How I Learned to Love Reagan

By Ahmed Nassef

I hate to admit it, but President George W. Bush has made me love Ronald Reagan.

Before the Supreme Court appointed Bush, Jr. as president in a 5-4 vote (but who's counting), I had never appreciated the Republican administrations of the recent past. Now I catch myself waxing nostalgic, longing for those bygone days.

Yes I know that Bush, Jr. isn't the first to engineer a de facto coup to gain the presidency (according to a former National Security Council Middle East expert and a member of Reagan's own White House, Ronald Reagan's election team made a deal with Iran to hold on to the American hostages until after the general election against Jimmy Carter).

And yes, Reagan and Bush Sr. certainly had their share of misguided policies. They stacked the Supreme Court with right wing judicial activists, conceived and tested in court the current attack on civil liberties and immigrant rights, invaded or bombed practically every corner of the globe from Libya and Lebanon to Panama and Grenada, bankrolled murderous dictators from Duvalier to Suharto to Marcos, implemented the trickle down economics that led to the recession of the early 90's, and the list goes on.

(This is not to take any credit away from President Clinton's welfare "reform," anti-worker trade agreements, lying under oath, and occasional bombing of medicine factories.)

But there is something missing from the current administration that made all the others more palatable: a sense of humor.

It is true: the current administration revives so many Reagan and Bush, Sr. operatives. But the President has chosen the least humorous of his dad's and uncle Ronnie's people with whom to surround himself.

Here are some paragons of boredom from the current Bush team along with some replacement suggestions (I can dream, can't I?).

Current Officeholder:
Dick Cheney, Vice President. A man with a "bigtime" humor problem, Cheney may hold the reigns of power behind the scenes, but he can put you to sleep in 2 minutes flat, without the use of lethal gasses.

Suggested Replacement:
Dan Quayle. Whether demonstrating his spelling prowess, noting "the importance of bondage between mother and child," or publicly voicing support for the Salvadoran government's "elimination of human rights," Vice President Quayle taught us the value of not having a mind at all. Republicans should launch a "Dump Dick, Draft Quayle" movement at their 2004 convention in New York City.

Current Officeholder:
Gale Norton, Secretary of the Interior. As head of US environmental policy, Norton implemented Bush's monumental scrapping of the Kyoto Treaty without even attempting a one-liner.

Suggested Replacement:
Jim Watt. As interior secretary for Ronald Reagan, Watt never let his rabid pro-pollution, anti-environment stances get in the way of a good belly laugh. Unfortunately, Norton is highly unlikely to repeat her former boss's hilarious retort, "I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple. And we have talent" the next time she is defending mammoth landowners and oil companies.

Current Officeholder:
Colin Powell, Secretary of the State. While he kowtows to the extreme right's foreign policy agenda, Powell has never once joked about the irony of a 4-star general who masterminded Desert Storm being considered a wimpy liberal by the rest of his administration colleagues.

Suggested Replacement:
Alexander Haig. Reagan's Secretary of State was eager to set the presidential rules of succession aside and proclaim, "I'm in control here" after his boss was shot. But instead of legitimate horror, most Americans watching reacted with uproarious laughter. Haig wouldn't have any trouble putting Rummy (see below) in his place, and be funny doing it.

Current Officeholder:
Donald (Rummy) Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense. Although he is constantly grinning at press conferences, Rumsfeld is plain scary, not a funny bone in his body. He has never even cracked a joke about how he and Saddam were best buddies when they met in 1983, and how he now wants his mustachioed former friend whacked.

Suggested Replacement:
Oliver North. Ok, I got a little stumped trying to find a funny defense secretary (General Haig almost got a dual portfolio), until I thought of Oliver North. Ollie's deer-in-the-headlights "I do not recall" testimony during the Iran Contra hearings always tickled my funny bone. And I'm confident that North is capable of driving us absolutely batty while sparing no innocent lives in Operation Enduring Freedom.

Current Officeholder:
John Ashcroft, Attorney General. To some, proclaiming a Chicago Gangbanger an enemy combatant and holding him indefinitely without charges or legal representation may seem laughable, but it still doesn't hack it in my book. There has to be a funnier way to gut the US Constitution.

Suggested Replacement:
Robert Bork. Although he never made it through the Senate's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, there was always something endearing about Judge Bork. Don't get me wrong, his antipathy for the First Amendment and privacy rights would give even Ashcroft a run for his money, but this scruffy teddy bear would make our heart smile during our unconstitutional indefinite confinement.

All of this and I haven't even drilled down the government hierarchy…

Richard Perle, Chairman, Defense Policy Board, former (?) Israeli Likud advisor: dangerous, but--the essence of humdrum!

Morris Abrams, National Security Council Middle East policy chief, convicted felon, chief architect of murderous Reagan Latin America policy, and advocate of racial purity: crafty, but--no personality!

Paul Wolfowitz, Deputy Secretary of Defense: makes Kissinger seem like a pussycat, but--not funny!

Admiral John Poindexter, head of Pentagon's Information Awareness Office, former Reagan National Security Advisor, convicted felon: will have every one of your emails and credit card transactions at his fingertips, but-extremely dull!

What makes this administration so disappointing is that everyone had such high hopes for the President's own humor potential. His youthful indiscretions (1976 drunk driving arrest, going AWOL in the Reserves, etc.) and pre-election gaffes (miserably failing to name foreign leaders in an on-camera pop quiz, Reaganesque speaking patterns) likely won him many votes. Now, he can say something like, "The Iraqi regime is a threat…to threats who are friends of America," as he did recently, and nobody even cracks a smile.

All of this goes to prove that you are only as funny as the people you have around you.