Is Allah a Banker or a Psychotherapist? My Changing Perception of Allah and Islam (Part One)

By Sukayna Chaudhury

Editor's Note: the alternating first/third person was intended by the author.

As a 9-year-old, Sukayna peered at the religion of Islam with uncritical idealism, and one day started praying 5 times a day. Her family did teach her to do this Islamic ritual but paid hardly any attention to her sudden religious zeal. As it turned out, Allah had just churned her faith by granting her wish to go to Biloxi Beach. And then after reading a booklet on Salat (ritual prayer) at her Islamic Sunday school, her warped reasoning convinced her that she could also cash in some interest in the afterlife through her up and down movements.

Of course, Allah was just a huge banker to her back then, and religion to her was a mere system of rewards and punishments.

Then at 11, my father was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, a severe neurological disorder that slowly destroys dopamine levels in the brain and that left him with unbearably stiff limbs, uncontrollable movements, and endless nights of insomnia. Overnight, the hospitals became our shelter and "Bring me the Klonopin, Carbidopa, Sinemet CR" became catch phrases.

Suddenly, it seemed that Allah changed from distant banker to an empathetic psychotherapist, as I watched dad writhe with stiffness and pain. And I do remember many sleepless nights consisting of placing pillows on his limbs, and tear-filled conversations with a faraway omnipresent deity known as Allah, who did not answer but only listened.

I also remember an instance in the hospital, fearfully reciting some suras with protective themes, begging Allah to not allow my father pain, as a huge needle was used to draw spinal fluid from his back. My mother muttered something about Allah testing us with a crisis. But I was 11, and I didn't know what the hell a crisis was, at least not from experience. All I knew was talking to Allah, and holding on to a being higher than myself, comforted me. It kept me preoccupied with something other than my trauma. Allah served as my only drug, as I watched my father gulp Attivan, Clonozepam, and countless other pills I couldn't pronounce.

Fast forward to high school when Sukayna started reading a bunch of Muslim scholarship. One was called Islam and Universal Peace by Sayyid Qutb. These books were usually leftovers from her local mosque that people donated, that no one except a weird nerd like Sukayna wanted; to her spongy mind they were buried treasure and worthwhile reads.

Also keep in mind that all the literature she read during that period was written by conservative Muslim male scholars. Many of them told her that her ideal role in Islam was something along the lines of "Stay at home, breed, and add to the Umma!" (her crude words not theirs). Don't forget the paternalistic exhortations to obey your husband, who apparently because of his male status has authority over you, or worse, is closer to Allah (the reason she's paraphrasing is because she threw away the actual books in freshman year out of anger/disgust, though if you want similar sources there's plenty where that came from).

And then there was the obsession with veiling, or hijab. Every mosque I went to had posters and pamphlets, basically telling Muslim women "If you don't cover your head real soon, you're going to hell!" To prove their point, they used conservative translations of Qur'anic verses out of context.

And they loved to quote from the Hadith literature, which is a record of the Prophet Muhammad's reported life and teachings. One of their favorites was the Hadith ascribed to Muhammad (peace be upon him) saying that the majority of hell's inhabitants are women. And what about the one she stumbled into at a Bengali hijabi auntie's house that said that the Prophet saw all these women hanging from a fiery furnace-like pit for not covering their head.

15-year-old Sukayna was somewhat baffled by all this hatred towards women. And what to do with this horrific image of Allah she just stumbled into, a violent deity who burns women for not covering their head? Could this be the same Allah whose nurturing image had protected her during the most traumatic period of her life?

She wasn't sure since she didn't really read the Qur'an a lot back then, and the one at home was in Bengali. So she insecurely posed her questions to her mother.

Me: Mom, are women inferior to Allah?

Mom: Your father and I both believe in gender equality, and we don't think so unlike some Muslim fanatics. Those verses in the Hadith and Qur'an are out of historical context.

Sukayna. Me: But shouldn't I cover my head and be a good Muslim woman? Why don't you cover yours?

Mom: I don't think covering your hair is as important as mental modesty or doing social justice in Islam.

Reference for Arabic words:
Suras are chapters of the Qur'an.
Umma is the multi-national Muslim community.