Muslim Extraterrestrials and Umm Kulthum Brigade Blamed for Shuttle Tragedy; Muslims Issue Denials and Condemnations

By Zahkan Al-Akhbar

After the recent tragic Space Shuttle Columbia disaster over Texas--which claimed the lives of seven astronauts--American Muslims have once again been placed on the defensive as rumors of possible terrorist involvement in the Columbia's demise abound. In the tense hours and days following the tragedy, Muslims around the US and the globe are once again holding their breaths and bracing for the inevitable backlash.

Reaction around the Muslim world to the Columbia disaster was varied.

President Husni Mubarak of Egypt sent his condolences to the people of the United States and offered complimentary Nile Cruises to the astronauts' families in a shameless bid to boost Egypt's sagging tourist industry.

Jordan's King Abdullah, speaking from the Amman Planet Hollywood, assured the US that "Islam is a peaceful, moderate religion."

Iranian President Mohammad Khatami expressed his condolences to the families of the American astronauts but suggested that the flight was cursed by God because of the presence of the Israeli--who as a fighter pilot had bombed Lebanese villages during Israel's onslaught against Lebanon in 1982.

Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein proclaimed that the disaster "was an act of God" against the "American and Zionist Imperialists" who were preparing to attack his country.

And Palestine Authority President Yasser Arafat, speaking from his ruined and still besieged Ramallah headquarters while Israeli bulldozers were simultaneously demolishing dozens of Palestinian homes in Hebron, expressed his "most sincere condolences" to the Israeli people and to Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, urging that "those responsible for this heinous act" be brought to justice.

Meanwhile, back at home, American Muslims are enduring an all-too-familiar cycle of innuendo and backlash. Even as debris was still raining over Nagosdoches and Palestine, Texas, notorious Muslim bashers such as Sleaze Immersion and Leaky Pipes were featured guests on CNN and Fox News, where they took their Islam-bashing rhetoric to new heights--literally.

A somber Immersion appeared on Fox News, proclaiming that the town of Palestine, Texas, was a known "hotbed of Islamic fundamentalism." Immersion claimed that he had evidence that a cell of a previously unknown "radical Muslim fundamentalist terrorist group" calling itself the "Umm Kulthum Brigades" had launched a supercharged Stinger missile (originally provided by the CIA to the Afghan Mujahideen in the 1980s during their struggle with the Soviet Union) at the space shuttle 200,000 feet above earth from Palestine, Texas, with deadly precision.

"The terrorists wanted to make a point," stated an almost exuberant Immersion, "that even if they couldn't attack Israelis from Palestine in the Middle East, they would attack them from Palestine in the United States," apparently referring to the presence of Israel's first astronaut, Ilan Ramon, aboard the doomed shuttle.

Immersion then showed clips from a secret videotape allegedly shot outside a Palestine, Texas, mosque showing Muslims "celebrating the shuttle disaster" with wild screams of "God is Great" and "Slaughter the Jews." Fox News claimed it had attempted to contact the mosque for "their side of the story" but gave up when no address or phone number could be located.

In fact, nobody recalled ever seeing a mosque in the town of 17, 598. Immersion went on to warn viewers that other sleeper cells of the Umm Kulthum brigades were located in towns across the country, from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, to Lebanon, Illinois, and Jericho, New York, awaiting orders from their shadowy leader, Umm Kulthum, to carry out more deadly attacks. Immersion concluded by expressing his condolences to the family of Ramon and his solidarity with the people of Israel in the face of this horrible attack. Strangely enough, he forgot to include the six American astronauts and their grieving families in his prayers.

Apparently trying to outdo his colleague, pseudo-scholar Leaky Pipes appeared on CNN with Wolf Spitzer just minutes after the Columbia tragedy. Pipes stated confidently that he had predicted this attack months ago in one of his weekly columns for the New York Post. "I wish I was wrong," piped Pipes, "but I did write that the greatest threat to the US came from Muslim aliens."

Pipes went on: "Many assumed that I was talking about the immigrant and non-immigrant human Muslims whose presence here in the US constitutes a fifth column of terrorist sympathizers, but I was really referring to the far more dangerous Muslim fundamentalist extra-terrestrial aliens--or 'Muffets' as I like to call them." Pipes then pulled out satellite photos he states were provided by friends in Israeli intelligence that showed an alien spaceship hovering some 50 miles above earth, firing a laser beam at the Columbia that struck the shuttle as it flew over Palestine, Texas.

The location of the attack, according to Pipes, was no small coincidence. "The Muffets specifically targeted the shuttle as it flew over Palestine in order to send a message of solidarity to the Muslims of the world--proof of an unholy alliance between human Muslim fundamentalists and their extra-terrestrial counterparts." Pipes went on to exhort viewers to urge the US government to keep an eye on all Muslims--those in our backyard as well as those in other galaxies. "Satellites must be deployed immediately to give us the capability to monitor Muffet activities in space as well as the activities of their comrades here on earth," he argued.

Some conservative Christian leaders and pundits in the US have been equally unabashed in their fear-mongering. Noted television evangelist Pat Swaggartson, for instance, claimed that the shuttle attack marked the launch of a new interplanetary crusade between Islam and the rest of the galaxy, the outcome of which would lead to Armageddon. Conservative columnist Ann Smolder, on the other hand, argued that "we [America} should invade their [Muslim] planets, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." Smolder also called for the "mass deportation" of Muslims "outside of the Milky Way."

Meanwhile, American Muslim organizations and leaders were quick to caution the media to refrain from jumping to the conclusion that the attack was the work of Muslims.

In a terse statement, the Association of Flag-Waving American Muslims (AFWAM)-a Washington, DC-based advocacy group proclaimed: "It is too early to know what really happened with the shuttle Columbia. We urge the media and elected officials to refrain from accusing Muslims before the facts are revealed. If this indeed turns out to be a terrorist attack, we state unequivocally that no cause would benefit from the unjust targeting of a space ship and its astronauts, who were on a mission to benefit all of humanity. No Muslim--on earth or in the great beyond--could justify such an attack."

Another Muslim group, the Council of American Muslim Patriots (CAMP), urged American Muslims around the nation, and especially in Texas, to maintain a low profile in the upcoming days of the investigation into the shuttle disaster and to increase security at mosques and Muslim schools in order to minimize the backlash against Muslims. The statement concluded with the following: "There are an estimated 7 million American Muslims, 1.2 billion Muslims on Earth, and 10.3 billion Muslims galaxy-wide."

Not to be outdone, the Arab-American Anti-Defamation, Vilification, and Insensitivity League (AAADVIL) urged Arab-Americans and American Muslims to report any instances of discrimination or hate crimes, "particularly those carried out by inbred rednecks named Bubba driving pick-up trucks containing shotgun racks and bearing the confederate flag."