Scientists Discover Missing Link Between Mr. Saddam and Mr. Usama

By Jawad Ali
Photos by Liv Leader

There are no mysteries here--although Colin Powell did make a fool of himself at the UN with his laughable attempt to reveal the missing link.

We found what the Secretary of State failed to show the world--right here in San Francisco. The missing link turned out to be none other than ex-president George Herbert Walker Bush.

Let us step up directly to the evidence.

Ringleader Jeff Grubler and his expert crew presented the evidence to startled and amused shoppers at the swank Union Square in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon. Bush Senior gave weapons, training and warm fuzzies to both Saddam and Usama during the 80s. If he were a Pakistani student rather than an oil tycoon, he would be locked up for any one of those crimes. We are talking about the rest of his life in a steel cage the size of a kitchen stove in the hull of some long forgotten navy boat. The only complaint we would hear from Senator Dianne Feinstein would be that the navy was wasting taxpayer money by not stuffing two more Moroccan bus boys in the cage.

But it was George Bush’s turn to be in a cage on this sunny afternoon. He looked positively humble in the gorilla suit and rubber mask. The evidence was incontrovertible, even if parts of it were inaudible due to a temperamental megaphone. He had covered for Saddam when the Kurds were gassed and tried to pin it on the Iranians. My American friends invented a drinking game where they would take a sip of beer each time they heard the phrase “gassed his own people” in the media. I offered to chug whiskey each time the phrase “with our support” was added.

Their beer is long gone. I am still thirsty.

The evidence was presented circus-style, in keeping with the noble precedent set by Secretary of State Colin Powell at the United Nations. It was an appropriately serious and somber event, except for the part where the “missing link” escaped from his cage and executed a few half-hearted somersaults on the sidewalk. That part was not very serious. Those somersaults were weak at best, and they lacked the determination and complexity of Colin Powell’s gymnastics.

A group of Chinese children in the crowd looked unconvinced. It was obvious that they had seen this evidence before, including the testimonials of former UN weapons inspector Scott Ritter and former Attorney General Ramsey Clark. They seemed to be demanding hard candy and balloons instead of the war crime tribunals they know would never come. Many of them turned out to be less gullible than Tony Blair and Wolf Blitzer, and seemed to catch on pretty quickly that the missing link may be some prankster in a gorilla suit and a Bush mask rather than the actual war criminal himself.

Watch the video (QuickTime) showing the missing link between Saddam and Usama. But be careful, he's neither man nor beast, and he's been known to fling feces at the US public.