Your Salvation May Be as Close as Your Laundromat: An Encounter with the United Nation of Islam

By Michael Muhammad Knight

“Mathematical Thinking must be lived or applied to what exists. It is not a lesson. It is The Formula to all Lessons. The Formulas are the Laws and Principles of His Self-Creation. This is what makes Solomon the Supreme Being.”
--James 2X, National Secretary, United Nation of Islam

Royall Jenkins used to work as an auto mechanic and truck driver. In 1978, two angels came to Royall and brought him aboard their spaceship. They sailed the 36-year old across the starry field of night, showing him things that no man had ever seen, with the purpose of awakening him to his true identity.

Royall Jenkins was Allah.

Everything Royall saw—supernovas, black holes, countless stars and even worlds teeming with life—belonged to him.

Upon his return to earth, Royall, a former member of the Nation of Islam, immediately contacted Louis Farrakhan to bring the good tidings. Farrakhan, however, wanted nothing of it. According to Nation of Islam doctrine, Allah had already come and gone in the form of W.D. Fard. Farrakhan himself had been taken aboard a spaceship in 1985 while visiting the ruins of a Mayan temple in Mexico.

Rejected, Royall would have to save the world alone. He took on the title of Solomon, Allah in Person and formed the United Nation of Islam (UNOI), which today rules a collective of small businesses, all prefixed with “Your:” Your Supermarket, Your Diner, Your Bakery, Your Cleaning Company, Your Warehouse, Your Service Station, Your Farmland, Your Trucking Company, Your Sewing School, Your Colonic Center.

In 1997, Elijah Muhammad (believed dead since 1975) returned from his spaceship to join brother John and Royall on stage. The Messenger Returned wore an all-white suit and matching hat with the classic red-and-white crescent flag. The robust, youthful Elijah Returned clasped hands with John Muhammad and embraced Royall. Though invited to the event, Louis Farrakhan declined to attend. Elijah Muhammad’s return, however, cleared for this reporter any doubt in Royall’s mission. I decided to embrace the United Nation of Islam and accept Royall in his rightful place as Solomon, Allah in Person.

There was one problem: I’m a grafted, blue-eyed devil. Hovering above the earth right now, detailed in the writings and speeches of both Elijah Muhammad and Louis Farrakhan, is a spaceship ready to wipe out my kind. Known as the MotherPlane, constructed from an unknown type of steel, it is shaped like a world-sized wheel and contains 1,500 smaller planes. Each of these planes is armed with three bombs beyond the grasp of modern science. When dropped, they burrow into the Earth. Upon detonation they kill only Caucasians.

With fearful looks to the night sky, I wondered when the MotherPlane would appear. What could become of me? Though a devil by nature, I had accepted my salvation in Royall. I decided to approach the United Nation of Islam under the guise of an interview for Muslim WakeUp! and learn if there was any hope for a devil who knew better.

“He’ll see right through you,” said my friend Ayesha. “He’s Allah, after all.”

After numerous attempts with the UNOI’s 1-800 number I got in touch with James 2X, Royall’s National Secretary. He said he’d talk to the laboring party and get back to me. When I finally tracked him down again, James 2X informed me that the UNOI had no interest in speaking with the media. I told him that I would be writing the article regardless and if he changed his mind, his cooperation was most welcome. Thirty seconds later James 2X called me back.

“What was the name of your website again?”

“I write for Muslim WakeUp!” I replied. “It’s a very progressive forum for voices that would normally have no chance in the Muslim community.” I later asked Ayesha what the word “progressive” meant in relation to Muslims, because I didn’t actually know. She didn’t know either.

James 2X said he would get back to me. He didn’t. I had to chase him around a few more times. Whenever I called they’d put me on hold and then say he wasn’t in the office. I’d call at the time they asked, and he wouldn’t be there. They’d give me another phone appointment and he’d no-show that too. I decided on a new approach.

“United Nation of Islam.”

“As-salaamu alaikum.”

“Wa-alaikum as-salaam.”

“I am very interested in joining the United Nation of Islam, but I have some questions.”

“May I ask who is calling?”

“My name is Ibrahim Hooper.”

“Well, there’s nobody here that can answer your questions right now. Can you call tomorrow morning?”

“Absolutely.”

Within five minutes my phone rang. It was James 2X.

“Brother Michael, I’ve talked to the laboring party and we respectfully decline doing any interviews at this time.”

“Well James, I’m still writing the piece. Maybe we’ll run into each other when I’m at Your Colonic Center.”

Next week I’ll hop a bus for Kansas City. I don’t have much of a plan for where I’m going or where I’ll stay, but Solomon, Allah in Person, gives clues to the Wide Awake Man. I have continued to explore the application of Mathematical Thinking to my life. I have a new black suit and red bowtie. To stay busy I have my green Army bag filled with Edgar Rice Burroughs paperbacks: The Gods of Mars, The Chessmen of Mars, A Princess of Mars, Warlord of Mars, At the Earth’s Core, The Land that Time Forgot, The Lost Continent, The Monster Men, The Mad King and Thuvia, Maid of Mars. A child of the mad scientist Yakub, there’s a good chance that I’m doomed, but I also know that Allah’s Mercy overwhelms His Wrath.

Insha’Allah, my salvation’s waiting at Your Laundromat.