Awaiting Mahdi

By Ameer U. Shaikh

Cast

Reza, A Shia Pakistani
Abu Bakr, A Sunni Pakistani

Setting: outskirts of Hafizabad, Punjab. Both men emerge from opposite sides. Reza is dressed like an ayatollah. Abu Bakr is dressed in all white, has a long white beard and displays a prominent tasbih. Both of them come to stand under a large tree. They bump into each other. In the background a number of houses are being bulldozed with red, white and blue bulldozers. A huge crane is swinging a double arched M around.

Reza: Salam Alakum.

Abu Bakr: Wa alaikum as Salam wa rahmatullahi Wa barakatuhu. I extend you the extended greeting though I know you Shias know nothing about such extension.

Reza: You must know well of extensions. Is that goat hair you're using in your beard? Last time I saw you, last week, you were an eighteen year old boy. I grant reprieve from your devil that made you attack who knows how many goats!

Abu Bakr: Goats? Goats! I swear by the wisps of hair that I've extended if it was not Friday I would immediately make plans to make you submit to my assault rifle.

Reza: You Yazid! (grows silent). Oh, wait...you want to attack me? This...this might be doable. Go ahead then. Attack me. Go right ahead. I urge you to. My people are used to your people's attacks. In fact, I urge you to make a martyr out of me. My people like martyrs. Shall I present my neck or can you shoot from there?

Abu Bakr: Fool! This is precisely why everyone considers Shias to be so weak! Always presenting a cheek to be kicked.

Reza: Remember, the Ottomans were Sunni and the Safavids were Shia and we never lost. Do not insult my people! Only I may insult my people!

Abu Bakr: But that's hypocrisy!

Reza: I invoke the right to make the Muslim double standard. Surely your people recognize that too?

Abu Bakr: (moves aside, even smiles). Ay, we recognize it. How do you say it: the right to pass judgment on everything....

Reza: (interrupts). And not be punished for self-contradiction!

Abu Bakr: Islam truly is a great religion. Muslims are wonderful. (They laugh).

Reza: (after a long while). It truly is.....If only your people had allowed leadership to transfer to the rightfully elected Khalifa....Ali.

Abu Bakr: Remember to whom you speak! I am named after the official first Khalifa. The rightfully chosen one....

[Suddenly a bird starts chirping. Both men become silent. They put up their hands and begin reciting prayers to the sky. After a while they realize that both of them are praying simultaneously and looking suspiciously at each other they stop].

Reza: Why did you do that?

Abu Bakr: Do what? (He acts as if nothing has happened and begins to whistle).

Reza: Were you mocking me?

Abu Bakr: I don't have to. Besides, since when do your people hold your hands up when you pray? Keep your hands to your sides, you heretic!

Reza: It is the Muhammadan way!

Abu Bakr: Muhammadan? Who says that? You Orientalist!

Reza: I...oh, forget it...why were you praying? I heard what you said...you were asking Allah to hasten the arrival of someone...

Abu Bakr: Yeah, so?

Reza: Um, are you waiting for someone?

Abu Bakr: (glowers and walks away). Yeah...so what if I am? What are you doing here?

Reza: I'm waiting too.

Abu Bakr: Why did you pray when I prayed?

Reza: The bird...

Abu Bakr: Me too! The bird.....wait a second...what does the bird mean to you?

Reza: Um...er...well, it’s a long story....

Abu Bakr: I have some time.

Reza: Well, the bird is a sign of the arrival of the unseen Imam. The Mahdi.

[They hear a noise. The bird starts chirping. They peer at each other and then circle each other and then walk around the tree].

Abu Bakr: So, the Unseen Imam cometh? And the bird is a sign? Is that why you pray?

Reza: Precisely. Glad to see that they've finally started teaching jurisprudential induction at your madrassas. We've been studying that at Qom for eternity!

Abu Bakr: Induction? Astaghfirullah! That is bida'. Sunnis prefer the Islamic method. Deduction.

Reza: Deeeeduction. Hmm, sounds like deeeestruction. Regardless, we're far more ahead of you. Think of Iran...it is the only Islamic State in the world.

Abu Bakr: State it might be...Islamic, that's not what I hear. Shias, after all, barely qualify to be Muslim.

Reza: I rather be barely Muslim than an oppressive Muslim! Goat hair boy!

Abu Bakr: Your mother is a goat!

[The bird starts chirping again. Suddenly a donkey starts to bray and comes walking out of the woods and stands in front of them. Both boys fall to their knees and do a sajda to the the qibla in the other direction].

Reza: Oh, Allah! Hasten his arrival! I cannot stand my fellow believer over here.

Abu Bakr: Oh, Allah! Smite this infidel! And send the Sunni Mahdi!

[Reza gets up out of his sujood suddenly].

Reza: Aha! So you're waiting for the Mahdi too! Usurper! Unoriginal bastard! Always trying to steal all our ideas, like you stole Al-Azhar and Baghdad!

Abu Bakr: Steal? Haram! Hadha Haram! Why should I steal from a person who believes in a clergy? Haven't you heard of what priests do in America? I only wonder if the same goes on in Qom....

Reza: So you admit it! You're waiting for the Mahdi too!

Abu Bakr: Yes, well, frankly, there are signs - you know, siiiiigns, like the idea in the Quran....you know, the Quran that you don't believe in you non-Muslim heretic infidel homosexual! There are signs that we have regarding the arrival of the Mahdi. He will come, it is said when the blue pigeon starts chirping under the 7th treet from the left of the Bakery on Quaid e Azam road, Hafizabad, Punjab. After the bird has chirped....Dajjal's donkey - absent Dajjal of course - will emerge from the woods. At that point a great army - of the truest believers - will begin gathering underneath the 7th tree from the left side of the Bakery. The Mahdi will then finally emerge seven minutes after when sixteen leaves from the eighth stem from the bottom have fallen. When he arrives he will invoke all the powers at his disposal...and call to Isa Alayhissalam, then he will descend and kill all the Jews and Christians and convert all the Greek women to Islam so that we may marry them.

[Reza is crying now. He moves close to Abu Bakr and embraces him].

Abu Bakr: Ah! What is the matter! Are you one of the people of the Prophet Lut? Homosexual Irani! Get away from me!

Reza: Oh! Hush! We wait for the same being. We wait for the same Mahdi! Oh, it is a miracle! Even the signs are the same...after all this time!

[Abu Bakr steps back and then rushes back into Reza's arms].

Abu Bakr: Could it be, then, that I agree with an infidel? That....you and I agree? Are we truly....oh, we are one people! We are one, united people! So....(he looks around), I don't see an army gathering.

Reza: (regaining composure). You're right, I don't see anyone just yet that could qualify to fight. Of course since I am a Syed I am not supposed to fight in the Great Final Battle. We are exempt.

Abu Bakr: Typical Shias. Weaklings who are afraid to fight. Always making excuses.

Reza: Beware insulting the great-great-great-great grandson of the Prophet standing before you!

Abu Bakr: The Prophet was not a Saint whose blood is holy. And his progeny are not greater than any other people!

Reza: You defile the Prophet's family? I will have your beard for this! (he runs forward and they begin to wrestle. Reza is on top of Abu Bakr when the leaves begin to fall).

Abu Bakr: Stop! Stop you poetry-spitting, wine-thinking homosexual!

Reza: I will not fall to your distractions you usurping oppressor innovator!

Abu Bakr: The leaves....(and then he's punched).

Reza: (gets up and looks around). He dances amidst the leaves. We're in the leafies. We're in the leafies. (He sings to the tune of "We're in the Money!")

Abu Bakr: Look at how you dance! Dancing is stricly forbidden by Islam!

Reza: Think only of Rumi...it is your people who claimed him. The great dancer is a Sunni.

Abu Bakr: If he were alive today I'd nail his head to a stake....He is also a kafir.

[Reza starts crying. He continues for a long time. Abu Bakr paces and looks about. He smells the leaves. Let him improvise other funny actions.].

Abu Bakr: What is the matter with you?

[Reza stops].

Reza: You reminded me of a hurtful memory...anyway, listen....I think it has been almost ten minutes. If not more...where is he? Where is the Great Islamic Army?

Abu Bakr: They probably saw your hideous face and ran off!

Reza: Like I said, insulting me is like insulting the Prophet!

[This time Abu Bakr attacks him].

Abu Bakr: You dare to suggest that the Prophet, holy Prophet of Islam, could be as hideous as you? Shame on you!

[They begin wrestling. Continue for some time. The scuffle finally stops. Reza is bloody].

Abu Bakr: I've beaten you for so long. It is true what they say, every land is Kerbala.....

Reza: (unfurls his turban and wipes off his blood). He has not come yet. Look at the time. We've been fighting for almost half an hour.

Abu Bakr: (growing concerned). Perhaps he has gotten late.

Reza: Perhaps your Mahdi is late! Not ours! Ours comes on time! I bet it was one of those imbecile old Sunni jurists. Your people always had such a hard time with mathematics. Probably messed up the whole prophecy!

Abu Bakr: A Sunni invented math and algebra. His name was Al-Gebra. That's a Sunni name.

Reza: Ha! Have you learnt nothing? It was Imam Jafar who invented math. Al-Gebra was only a student of his.

Abu Bakr: (Turning away and looking at the houses). I can't stand those infernal bulldozers. Oh, look, they just ran over your house. Isn't that your family running out with their belongings?

Reza: Ha! My family lives in a fortress down the street. That is your family running out of their homes. Only Sunnis run off. Shias stay and fight. Till the death. Have you never heard of Alamut?

Abu Bakr: If the Mahdi had been on time that family would still have a home. He would have smitten that bulldozer with his magic.

Reza: Magic huh? So...your people believe in magic? Makes sense...after all, Sunnism is influenced by Hinduism. We Shias are rational...

Abu Bakr: More like imbecile! I wish I had never met you.

Reza: And I wish I had never met you!

[They stand apart from each other. Each one staring at their watches for a long while. Nothing in the scenery changes. There is absolute silence].

Abu Bakr: Oh Mahdi Saab! Two hours now...where are you?

Reza: Dumb Sunni, can't even tell time. It has only been one hour!

Abu Bakr: (dimming out). You're the fool. Don’t' shias believe in anal sex? Only fools would believe in that sort of....

Reza: (dimming out). Anal sex is a domineering position...Shias are peaceful...only Sunnis prefer that sort of imperialism....think only of Qandahar, the bastion of Sunni Islam....even birds fly over it while covering their posterior.

Abu Bakr: Oh, hush! Is...that him? Oh...no, just another stupid donkey....

[Corporate Bulldozers destroy the entire town and a McDonalds is erected. A little while later The Indian Army rushes through the post that Reza and Abu Bakr were supposed to be guarding. The Mahdi does not come.]

The End.

Ameer U. Shaikh is a writer trapped in a law student's body in Philadelphia, PA. He can be reached at Uberameer@aol.com