The Magic Hijab

By Saliha DeVoe-Hijazi

I have read the arguments against the legal obligation of wearing hijab. I have read the arguments in favor of it. I am convinced that my dress best fulfills the obligations of modesty as Allah (swt) intended. Besides the joy, peace and distinction that modesty in dress and behavior have given me I have experienced many other benefits of wearing hijab. I can be easily identified as a Muslim and often this has lead to enlightening conversations for the curious or previously misinformed. My lack of a foreign accent and the ease with which I convey my thoughts to men or women have proven to be helpful in my attempts to negate stereotypes about what it is to be a Muslim woman.

Ten years ago, when I first stepped out of my home wearing that large and admittedly ugly, floral print, cotton scarf, I noticed an immediate change in the way men related to me. The drug dealers and resident crack head next door suddenly stopped ogling my teenaged body,

and instead greeted me with confused suhlaam ah laykums and downcast gazes. Chivalry returned and suddenly men wanted to open doors for me and chat with me. Bus drivers who had previously done no more than scowl or ogle suddenly wanted to discuss the Iranian revolution. I still got my fair share of pursuers. I distinctly remember a particularly assiduous Brazilian who thought ‘no’ meant that he just needed to be a little more persistent.

Apparently, though, I have been ignorant of the truly miraculous ability of the 47-inch, square piece of fabric that is such an essential part of my wardrobe. Indeed, these 47 inches are imbued with mystical, magical properties. Over the years, the secrets of hijab’s magic have been revealed to me by well meaning people from all walks of life. For the first time in the history of humankind, I present to you in writing the truth about the magical hijab.

Hijab: Better than a Rape Whistle

Yes, you read that correctly. Hijab stops women from being raped. No woman in proper hijab has ever been raped. Skeptical? You shouldn’t be. Here is the secret. If hijab is properly secured and fastened around the woman’s head and neck and if her clothing properly conceals her body and neither her form nor her flesh is visible then the hijab will act as a magic cloak rendering her completely invisible to rapists and molesters. Sadly, due to the incompetence of some women who don the hijab, a few strands of hair hang out or the faint outline of breasts can be seen, and the power of invisibility fails. Not to worry though even user incompetence cannot stop the power of hijab. If the hijab can not work its powers of invisibility, the scarf will leap off of a woman’s head traveling southward faster than a speeding bullet and in a flurry of marvelous activity it will wound itself into an impenetrable locking chastity belt thwarting the violator’s attempted crime. Now you know why the first question asked by so many people upon hearing that a Muslim woman has been raped is “Did she wear hijab?” followed by a series of other questions about exactly how she wore the hijab. These people are not simply ignorant and nosey. They are well meaning researchers seeking to understand why her hijab malfunctioned.

Muhajabat: Muslim Borg

According to French President Jacques Chirac, hijab is an aggressive and ostentatious sign of religious proselytism. Those few inches of chiffon, silk, cotton, or polyester, if you please, are a threat to the secular state. Haven’t you heard the story of unwitting non-Muslims, affirmed supporters of a secular state, innocently strolling down the street only to be attacked by the hijab? The power of seeing a woman veiled instantly transforms the peace and freedom loving Frenchmen into a violent, angry, foaming at the mouth murderer intent on dismantling democracy in the name of Islam. If the intended victim is particularly stubborn, the hijab has a failsafe method to insure submission. The scarf leaps from the woman’s head, traveling faster than a speeding bullet. It wounds itself into a keen-edged sword and points menacingly at the neck of the victim. If, by some miraculous and powerful dedication to French secularism, the victim still resists conversion to “militant Islam” the hijab sword promptly chops off their head and vaporizes their remains. Yes, for the French a woman in hijab is much like Star Trek’s Borg, resistance is futile.

Hijab: The Upholder of Dignity and Honor

That’s right folks, honor and dignity have absolutely nothing to do with character. A woman’s honor and dignity and that of the men in her family are solely dependant upon what happens in a tiny area south of her navel, north of her knees and at an exact midpoint between her hip bones. As you have learned from the section on hijab and rape, the hijab acts to protect women of any violation of this all-important ‘honor.’ I have yet to be able to confirm this, but during my years of magic hijab research, I have even heard of cases where slanderous rumors about a woman’s lack of honorability were thwarted due to the heroic efforts of a woman’s hijab. As I understand it, the hijab has the ability to sense when the honor and dignity of its owner is about to be violated. It then leaps from the woman’s head faster than a speeding bullet and flies to the location where the slander is about to take place, it then gags the slanderer completely preventing them from speaking a single naughty word.

There are many more examples of the unearthly powers of this magnificent material, too many to list. If you listen closely and read carefully, you will soon be let in on the secrets of hijab. But caveat lector! Some may accuse those who believe in the magical power of hijab to be ignorant, cruel, gynophobic, or small minded - ignore them. The strength of the entire Muslim ummah belongs to this piece of cloth. Worship it for the idol that Muslims and non-Muslims alike have fashioned it to be.

Saliha DeVoe-Hijazi is a servant of Allah, mother to two super kids and wife to her soul mate. Somewhere between changing diapers and changing the world she manages to write a little poetry, a bit of fiction and the occassional essay.