I Missed and Hugged a Queer Muslim Instead

By HijabMan

Sometimes when I’m at home, I’ll sit with my mother while she watches Lifetime, ‘programming for women.’ Marathons of what I like to call “stranger” films are common.

Next on Lifetime: “Stranger in the Attic,” followed by “Stranger in the Bedroom,” “Stranger Next door,” and our new miniseries, “My Husband, the Stranger.”

The plot throughout these films doesn’t change much. A woman gets beaten by a drunkard and/or psychopath, she files restraining orders, and then suffers through long, tearful battles in court.

Every so often, you may find something beyond the cycle of violence, tears, and lengthy court battles.This was the case when Lifetime aired a film called “The Truth about Jane” a few years ago. It follows a teenage girl as she questions her sexuality and begins to experiment. Three seconds into the first female-female kissing scene, my mother changed the channel.

“Mom, why’d you change the channel?”

“I don’t know beta, it just felt weird.”

“Why did it feel weird, mom? You probably wouldn’t have changed the channel if it was a heterosexual couple kissing, right?”

“I know beta, it’s just that…” She looked like she was thinking.

“What would you say if I was gay, mom?”

(I know, I’m a horrible son. Now I know what my brother meant when he said that I made my parents weird.)

“Would you tell us if you were gay?” She shot back, eyes inquisitive.

“Yes, mom. Don’t worry, I’m straight.” Her grip on the couch loosened considerably.

After an hour-long discussion, my mother approached me, scratched me on the head, and said,
“Beta, I’d love you even if you were... ‘different.’”

What can I say? My mom is cool. Her reaction was much milder than many other responses I have received when I bring up the issue of homosexuality with Muslims.

Queer? Muslim?Mish mumkin! Not possible! It’s an oxymoron! The throne of God shakes when a man mounts another man! Don’t you know the story of Lut? You are defending them, so you must be gay too! Or are you one of those Jewish agents conspiring against the ummah?

In my mid-teens my sister introduced me to the Progressive Muslims Network.The listserv has since deteriorated, but back in ’99 it was thriving. It was also the first time I heard the term ‘queer Muslim’ and the name Faisal Alam.

Five years later, I received an e-mail announcing a lecture series called “Queer and Muslim: Not an Oxymoron.” Sure enough, Faisal Alam, founder of al-Fatiha, a queer Muslim organization, was going to speak. For those of you who aren’t familiar, al-Fatiha was founded in 1998. It includes at least seven chapters in the United States, and numerous affiliate organizations exist in places like South Africa and the United Kingdom.

Immediately after hearing about the event, I ended up at a film festival at MIT about queer South Asians. As soon as I sat down, Faisal appeared on the big screen. I wondered in the back of my mind whether there was some sort of Divine plan afoot.

Back in my own town, I had forwarded the announcement to the Muslim Students Association. Within days, e-mails flooded the MSA listserv, and there was one report of a flyer getting defaced at the women's college nearby. For the most part, I was impressed with the civility of the discussion, although I did receive some flak for not taking a clear stand on the issue. For years, I had fallen into the trap of the haraam/halaal debates that often produce nothing but frustration and inflated egos (my own included). Though I still get sucked in every so often, I try to stay away from that kind of thing and take a position similar to Sulayman X:

I no longer care. The issue is really quite simple, and there is no need for endless talk: gay people are human beings with human feelings and needs, and spiritual needs too, and the love they feel for others is the same love anyone feels for anyone else. Rejecting or hating them serves no useful purpose. Just because some homophobic people get a buzz from hating gays and lesbians does not mean that Allah agrees with them.

In my short time on Earth, I’ve made the acquaintance of several queer Muslims. Some of them are practicing Muslims, some are only culturally Muslims, and others have left Islam altogether. One of my issues with the queer Muslim movement is its primary focus on queer identity as opposed to Muslim identity. I wish that al-Fatiha emphasized more of their Muslim identity and have asked Faisal about the possibility of adding more “Islamic” content to their web site. When I brought the identity issue up after the lecture, Faisal, between gulping down half a dozen samosas (they were the tiny variety), estimated that about ninety-percent of the people that find al-Fatiha have left Islam.

If I were to wager a guess as to why, it would be in part due to rejection or a fear of rejection by the mainstream Muslim community. Farid Esack’s On Being a Muslim always comes to mind when issues like this come up. In this case, I am reminded of his prescription for times when someone approaches us concerning their spiritual struggles. First, he says we should understand that they are taking a major step by being honest with themselves and having the courage to grapple with their faith. Next, we should listen to them, and respond not by “throwing a fatwa,” but by aiding them in their quest towards the Almighty.

This can be applied to any religious “other,” regardless of whether they are struggling or not. We should be open, accepting, and compassionate.

If you ask Faisal to explain his passion for al-Fatiha, he will gladly tell you about his Muslim Students’ Association poster-child days. After recognizing that he was gay, he struggled with the issue both personally and within his community. Ultimately, he made a promise to himself and to God: he would do everything in his power to stop fellow Muslims from having to go through the pain that he did.

Faisal and al-Fatiha never state that homosexuality is allowed in Islam. They do, however, maintain that there are interpretations beyond the eternally useful, “We must kill them.”

As for his character? Faisal is a good-hearted guy, and despite all of the criticism, he keeps his cool and his sense of humor. He may have gotten banned from the Progressive Muslim listserv for forwarding multitudes of al-Fatiha announcements (Yes, I had a hand in that!), but once you meet Faisal it’s hard to hold his e-mail obsession against him.

Okay, HijabMan, out with it. What are you really thinking?

I don't know. There, I said it. I just don't know. I struggle with the issue of homosexuality within the Qur'an just as some of you do. I also struggle with the hadith collections and their authenticity, and all sorts of other things. I struggle with the whole lot of it.

What I do know is that each of our souls has the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, and that the meanings of “right” and “wrong” are subject to infinite conditions only God is capable of sorting out. I also know that my knowledge pretty much ends at the one-God thing, and my conscience won’t allow me to disregard or reject someone who feels differently than I do. Voices condemning homosexuals to hell are abundant, but those voices don’t seem to mesh well with the themes that rise off the page every time I pick up the Qur'an.

Whether you agree or disagree with the positions that al-Fatiha takes, understand that it provides a safe space for those Muslims who identify as queer, and that is a lot more than one can say about the mainstream Muslim community.

Like Hug-A-Jew, hugging a queer Muslim is a contribution to dialogue and an affirmation of humanity.

So, I gave Faisal a hug.

Can I get an alhamdulillah?

You can find HijabMan at hijabman.com.