Salafabi Soup: A Recipe

By Yunus Yakoub Islam

Modern believers need to be aware of the innumerable threats to our traditional religious palate. A surfeit of foreign ingredients, liberal attitudes, and a failure to properly prepare ingredients have left many Muslims confused over which Islamic dish is truly the most nutritious.

Preparation

Here is a pot that will pick you up and purify you! A plentiful supply of Saudi money and a degree in Engineering aid the cooking process, but neither are essential. Finally, if this is your first time to organised religion, don't worry! This dish is so easy to make, most people can't tell whether the final product has come from the kitchen of an amateur or professional.

Ingredients

One authoritarian Shariah (available from Abdur Rahman I. Doi)
One God (and make sure it is only one!)
One literal helping of Divine revelation
One history of a civilization (for garnish only)
One or more demonized colonial powers (USA/European)
One jug of vitriol
A dash of Sufism for the spicier palette

Method

Hammer the Shariah until it becomes rigid, making sure all bubbles of humanism are completely removed. Then fold the Creator of the Universe into the Shariah, making sure your own views and Divine decree are thoroughly blended in any subsequent legal judgements. This mixture of theologian-God and Shariah will be the base. Everything else is just topping.

While waiting for the base to ossify, prepare the history of Islam. This is a fairly straightforward procedure. Simply chop-out the chunk between the rightly-guided Caliphs and colonial invasion (see note below). This excised section contains far too many foreign ingredients which would otherwise pollute the final dish. However, it does make a cracking good ornament!

The remaining history can then be blended with the demonized colonial powers and jug of vitriol. Watch carefully until a reaction is evident, then wait until this chemical bonding is complete. Do not try to add any additional ingredients once the reactionary movement has reached its end point, as they will simply burn away during the cooking process.

Last of all, add this topping to the base and sprinkle with slogans from the Divine revelation. Place in an oven heated by Palestinian occupation, post 9/11 paranoia and an enduring sense of victimization until all semblance of critical enquiry are fricassee. Finally, serve hot with no more than a dash of Sufism for the weaker palette.

A few people claim Taliban, al-Qaeda and other militant dishes have a similar pungent aroma to Salafabi soup, but this is simply due to the fact the former use the same ingredients but in slightly different proportions.

(*) A few periods of Muslim history are palatable, esp. Abd al-Wahhab (1703-87)

Yakoub Islam publishes the Tasneem Project. He is a househusband and primary carer of his 11 year old son, who has autism. He is also studying for an MA in the Social Sciences with the OU.