A Paranoid Muslim's Terror Alert System

By Jawad Ali

I came to the coffee shop to write a few things about world affairs. I ran into Sanjay here. He is a sweet young man from India. We have not really talked in years. I tell him about MWU! He is happy and curious to hear about it. Sanjay wants to know if I feel in danger because, well, peace is a radical idea. I feel fairly safe. I do not really think about it a lot.

Then I realize that Sanjay is talking about threats from fellow Muslims. Oh. Well, on that account I am not even the least bit paranoid. I am not even worried that some radical Muslim would as much as raise his or her voice at me. Why do I feel that way? I used the Homeland Security’s terror alert system to quantify the terror risks to my own safety, and to answer Sanjay’s question.

Suspects: Crazy Islamic Radicals
Terror Alert Level: Green

If Al-Qaida and Osama are who folks say they are, then I have nothing to worry about. Al-Qaida is supposedly a ruthlessly professional outfit. The risk involved in pulling off an operation in the US mainland would be so prohibitively large that they would not waste it on a flim-flam target like me.

There is no second tier Al-Qaida operation in the US. I have lived more than half my life in the US, and I have yet to encounter any Al-Qaida types. If there were any here before 9-11, they are gone now–even the ones who briefly day-dreamed about damaging the US after too many bong hits. They were made to disappear through deportations, kidnappings, and other crimes against civil society. The rest of them quickly came to their senses. No crazy Muslim is going to hurt me in America.

Sure, some crazy fools might send me nasty mail. This is somewhat rare, and all it takes is a click of a button to make it go away.

I would not be so safe if I lived in many other countries, including most Islamic ones. Sanjay tells me that his native India is in such a grip of Hindu fascism that any talk of tolerance can be declared treason against the Hinduisation of India and met with violence. The general population of my native Pakistan has not bought into something similar yet, but we do have lots of specialists. A group called Sippa-e-sahabah exists for the sole purpose of murdering the Shia, for example.

I tell Sanjay that one of my favorite things about MWU! is our commitment to conversations that are not authoritative, intimidating, or coercive. I have America to thank for most of this.

I have the privilege to live in America. The US takes care of its privileged. The safety that American institutions provide me from deranged Islamic radicals is a deep shade of green. Deep as it gets. I am as likely to be eaten alive by an amusement park dinosaur as I am likely to be a victim of terror at the hands of a violent radical Muslim in America.

Of course the very same institutions that protect me are also telling me that the alert level is purple or crimson for me and the population in general. Tom Ridge is a liar and a pimp for Bush and his crooks.

All bets are off on this green rating if I live in any part of the Islamic world ruled by Americans proxies. If I was making MWU!’s cultural, political, religious arguments in Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Jordan, Gaza or Saudi Arabia, then the alert would be red. I don’t mean some sort of phony orange that Karl Rove keeps pulling out of his bag of re-election tricks. I mean that I would have a real risk of being killed or maimed by crazy Islamic radicals working for Uncle Sam.

The danger would also be red if the suspects were crazed Islamic radicals working against Uncle Sam. It would be red if the suspects were crazed secularists running things in the Islamic world. And yellow in Islamic areas that are not normally considered to be directly in the US sphere, such as Senegal or Malaysia. The green rating is good as long as I don’t stray too far from my home in the US.

My personal terror rating from Islamic radicals is green in the US, thanks to this conditional niceness of American legal and law enforcement institutions. It is also green because of an unconditional niceness of all ordinary American folks that cross my path. Americans are no where near as barbaric as their government, corporations, or news media. This niceness has a soothing and calming effect on all wannabe Islamic radicals. Even the ones who elect these savage politicians and then watch them on Fox News all day have some measure of kindness at their cores.

Suspect: Crazy Drunk Bigots
Terror Alert Level: Green

Not all Americans are nice. There is a minute chance that some drunk crazy lunatic would jump on me because I am a Pakistani Muslim. Maybe he would smash the windscreen of my car. Chances are that I would simply buy a new windscreen, put an ice pack on my swollen face, and get over it in a day or two. Maybe the pacifist in me would be exposed as a phony, and I would actually enjoy participating in the brawl. Then I would really be embarrassed the next day.

This kind of criminal is unlikely to hurt my feelings or even give me a chance to take it personally. I will probably never find out if he jumped me because I looked Arab. Maybe I looked like a Giants fan, or some Mexican guy he hates. Maybe I look like his wife’s ex-boyfriend. Maybe I look like some Sikh guy with a turban, who in turn looks like some Afghan guy with a turban. There is no reasoning with drunk lunatics. Such an altercation is likely to start with “What are you looking at?” and quickly become even less rational.

I was living near the famous Height-Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco during 9/11. Once or twice a month I would go to the seedy dive bar down the street and play pool with the local hustlers and freaks. After 9/11 I stayed away for a few weeks. I did not want to be around drunk people. This is the only precaution I ever took from this particular brand of terror.

When I did show up one day, some of the tough guys asked about my welfare with touching sincerity and wamth. Some women gave me hugs. A couple of hoodlums said or did things that looked or sounded like Taliban solidarity solutes. I did not know how to react. I ignored them and changed the subject by saying something like “please take a seat over there, because you won’t be shooting for a while. And give me that chalk.”

Suspects: Crazy Bureaucrats
Terrorist Alert Level: Blue-Green

The other day an elderly Korean couple asked me to take a picture of them with the San Francisco skyline behind them. There you have it; I am now a suspect. Some pencil pusher in the Homeland Security Department could think that grandpa and I were doing a “dry run” against important financial institutions.

This administration has taken great pains to make sure that once I am accused of taking the suspicious picture, then there is no legal distinction between me and Mr. Bin Laden. I still have my faith in the American legal system. The rank and file of the Homeland Security Department is probably made up of ordinary kind Americans, even if Tom Ridge is a politician. So I put the odds of being the victim of this kind of terrorism as miniscule. But if it does happen, then I expect the Homeland Security Department to react a lot less rationally and humanely than the street drunk.

I am just a little bit paranoid about this group. I set the terror alert at slightly blueish-green for this group. I even wrote a play about my paranoia a few weeks ago. I don’t expect this rating to change if Kerry and the “Patriotic” Democrats are elected.

Jawad Ali is Co-founder and Executive Editor of Muslim WakeUp!