A MULE-PAC Endorses Kerry; 'We don't like him, but we still want cushy appointments,' Group Says

By Zahkan Al-Akhbar

American Muslim Unelected Leaders with Egos-Political Action Committee
(A MULE-PAC)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (SORT OF):

CONTACT: BIG MULLAH at (202) NOT SURE (668-7873)

MUSLIM COALITION OFFERS QUALIFIED KERRY ENDORSEMENT
A MULE-PAC calls for ‘protest vote’ as guarantee of civil rights

Washington, D.C., 10/21/04 – Following careful consideration of overall US interests (and our own narrow egotistical concerns); interaction with presidential campaign officials (photo-ops at iftars, offering them towels at airport restrooms, and waving at them at campaign bus stops); and extensive input from (a very few people in the) Islamic community, the American Muslim Unelected Leaders with Egos-Political Action Committee (A MULE-PAC) is calling on Muslims nationwide to cast a protest vote for Sen. John Kerry.

A MULE-PAC is an affiliated political action committee, self-appointed and unelected, representing the views of the self-proclaimed major American Muslim organizations, including Moderate American Muslim Association (MAMA), Islamic Circle of Kentucky (ICKY), Islamic Society of Non-Arab Scholars, Teachers, and Immigrants (IS NASTI), and Council of American Muslims for the Preservation of Hijab and Beards (CAMP), Alliance of Muslims for Progress and Moderation (AM/PM), and Worried Immigrant Muslim Professionals (WIMP).

Muslims are a potential swing voting bloc in key battleground states such as Florida, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. There are an estimated seven million Muslims in the United States, and A MULE-PAC represents every single one of them!

In its statement, A MULE-PAC said:

“Look, we know we screwed up in 2000 when we endorsed George W. Bush. And we know we scattered like hens in a coop when 9/11 made it open season on American Muslims and Arabs, their charities, mosques, and institutions. And we know we stuck to the easy stuff like, you know, condemning beheadings and hate crimes and terrorism, while we ran like hell the other way from the really tough issues of round-ups, detentions, arrests, and frozen assets. But, despite any misgivings you might have about our strategies or perceived incompetence, we want you to listen to us anyway in 2004 and vote for Sen. John Kerry for President.

“Now, we really don’t like Kerry, and he would not even meet with us or have iftar with us or even take his picture with us. But, the President is even nastier with us and hasn’t even invited us back to the White House since that great photo-op we had with him right before we invaded Afghanistan. (Wait a second, he wouldn’t even meet us at the White House…we think that was at the State Department…..oh, never mind, you know what we mean.) President Bush hasn’t even invited us back to the White House for iftar, even though Ramadan is in the thick of election season. We reject the efforts of some fringe American Muslim groups to support the candidacy of President Bush. Namely, we call upon the groups “Muslims for Bush” and “Muslims for Dick” (the vice president’s fan club) to: (1) change their vulgar, innuendo-filled names…perhaps to something more metrosexual; and (2) consider joining a Kerry support group, called “Muslims for the Johns”.

“And while we know Kerry looks French, that’s not so bad, because the French were against the war in Iraq. Wait a second, the French also banned the hijab in public places, so we don’t really like the French either. And we know Kerry is wishy-washy on Iraq and hasn’t really taken a firm stand against the Patriot Act. But he has a more progressive stand on Palest-----er, never mind, we don’t dare mention the “P” word when we are talking about a Presidential endorsement.

“A MULE-PAC appreciates the outstanding role of Ralph Nader in highlighting the denial of civil liberties to religious and ethnic minorities. Heck, we even had him speak at some of our events and raised mucho dinero for ourselves, but he’s got to be fooling himself if he would think we would endorse him simply as a matter of principle! Some of you may call our endorsement gutless, spineless, or even wishy-washy, but remember we want you to vote for a wishy-washy candidate!

“In summary, A MULE-PAC doesn’t want American Muslims to throw their votes away and thereby become irrelevant in the 2004 election. We’d rather you vote like we tell you to so that some of our---er, YOUR---leaders can get nice cushy appointments in a potential Kerry-Edwards administration so that we can better serve our—er, YOUR—interests.”

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