An Exclusive Interview with Shaytaan

The following interview was conducted with Shaytaan yesterday evening at a Starbucks in Hell’s Kitchen, New York City. Shaytaan has been following much of the dialogue on MWU! and contacted me with the hopes of correcting a few misconceptions.

Interview by Abu Fatoush

Abu Fatoush: Lemme start off by saying that I was surprised to hear from you.
Shaytaan: Most people are.

Fatoush: Why do you think that is?
Shaytaan: I don’t know. [taking a sip of coffee] People tend to take me for granted. They were a bit more serious about me in the past. Nowadays things are more lax. It hurts but I’m used to it.

Fatoush: So do you live in the city?
Shaytaan: [nods yes] I tend to split my time between here, Jerusalem, Rome and Mecca. I also just bought a new place in Rio de Janeiro but that’s mostly a vacation home.

Fatoush: So what made you contact me?
Shaytaan: Well I felt it was time for me to get my side of the story out. I had come across your question about whether I knew what a threesome was and I felt I had to set the record straight.

Fatoush: So you know what a threesome is?
Shaytaan: Of course I know what a threesome is and the idea that I don’t strikes me a tad preposterous.

Fatoush: But that’s what they say.
Shaytaan: That’s because I never took time to have someone write my book, unlike some people I know. So everywhere I go I have to put up with this nonsense. Al-Tirmidhi writes this line "No man sits alone with a (non-mahram) woman, but the Shaytaan is the third among them." I mean what the [expletive] is that supposed to mean?

Fatoush: Isn’t he talking about lust?
Shaytaan: Hell if I know. All I know is I’m always in the room. I’m Shaytaan. Why would I leave the room? I don’t care who you put in the room, I ain’t leaving. Door open, door closed. Who cares? Who do you think pulled those Iraqis soldiers out and killed them. I like the action. That’s what I’m here for. You think I’m gonna pass up a threesome?

Fatoush: So what do you think the biggest misconception about you is?
Shaytaan: People assume I think like they do. People think they can ward me off with a few rituals like I haven’t been around the past couple thousand years. Khamsas, evil eye charms . . . you think I’m supposed to be phased by that? I was in the Kaaba for two weeks in ’79 before they flushed us out. So believe me, I learn from my mistakes.

Fatoush: You’ve made mistakes?
Shaytaan: Haven’t we all?

Fatoush: So what mistake have you learned from if you don’t mind me asking?
Shaytaan: Well . . . I used to fight it.

Fatoush: Fight what?
Shaytaan: Religion. I used to fight all of them. They each had within them seeds of my own destruction and I would constantly push against it.

Fatoush: And what was the seed?
Shaytaan: Truthfully . . . off the record?

Fatoush: I promise.
Shaytaan: I’ll tell you what it is . . . love. Simple as that. Love is the one thing I can’t beat. No matter how hard I try I can’t conquer it. The problem is . . . I don’t understand it. Never have. It makes no sense to me as a motivation. But what I realized is I needn’t worry because, luckily, most of you have a limited capacity for it anyway. And when that capacity runs out, I get stronger. Take love of family, for instance. Some people mistake their family for their reputation. Pride really. I helped this man kill his cousin last summer. He found out she was seeing this guy in the next village and I told him look, you gotta do something. He gathered up his brothers and they went to the mosque and prayed. I was there. They had so much fear in their heart. They left the mosque and I ran into the guy and I said look, “You know what you have to do. Everybody is gonna say you come from a family of whores. Everything you’ve worked for your whole life is ruined. Cleanse your name.” And luckily he did. Why? Because he had more pride than love. For all intents and purposes his cousin was a piece of [expletive] to him. Sure they had good times together but at the end of the day he would off her for his pride. God . . . God gives you guys way too much credit.

Fatoush: Why do you think that is?
Shaytaan: God loves you. Me, on the other hand, I’m just having fun. God thinks you guys can love one another. But I know better. I’ve seen you guys up close. You guys have way more pride than love. I was in Jeddah at Friday prayers last week. I came out in time to watch a few beheadings. The guy reads this bit about God being merciful and on and on, then does what he has to do. He must have done about twelve before things got a bit boring. Everyone of those people who watched believed that they were doing God’s work. Hell I made the sword. You think God can make a sword to remove a man’s head that cleanly. Ha! God doesn’t have the stomach for it. But I never get any credit. But that’s ok. I know my work and I know it’s damn good. You know how I like to keep score?

Fatoush: How?
Shaytaan: It’s simple . . . refugee camps. That’s it. More camps means I’m winning; less camps mean God’s winning. Although I admit that the camps were a compromise. I was more for all out slaughter but God thought, again underestimating you people, that love could prevail and the camps would be dismantled. God is nothing if not optimistic. I knew the Palestinians weren’t going anywhere. You think the Native Americans have a homeland? What makes you think the Palestinians would be any different?

Fatoush: What about homosexuality?
Shaytaan: What about it?

Fatoush: What are your thoughts on it?
Shaytaan: You mean am I for or against it?

Fatoush: Uh huh.
Shaytaan: . . . Personally I don’t care but I can use it.

Fatoush: Why’s that?
Shaytaan: It gives me an entrance into someone’s thoughts. I can work on them. Next thing they know they’re talking about pride when they think they’re talking about love. When you hear someone say homosexuality is against God all they’re talking about is their own pride.

Fatoush: At not being gay?
Shaytaan: Huh uh. Pride at thinking they’re a better person. Like I’m a better Muslim, Christian, Jew, etc. because I follow “God’s law.” You kiddin’ me? Truth of the matter is all of you guys are [expletive], pardon my French. All God wants is you guys to love one another and treat each other with respect, etc. and etc. You know God’s standard b.s. [Laughing] But you guys can’t do it. How many [expletive] books do you need? I thought about writing one of my own but figured I didn’t need one. Like I said I rely on human nature. You guys can’t just love the homosexuals for who they are. It kills you. You need to place them in a hierarchy. But I’ll tell you what’s funny . . .

Fatoush: What?
Shaytaan: That hierarchy only lets me know who’s closer to me. Like how did I get down here, hellooo. What I love are the people who get caught up in the persecution bit. As if that’s all I have a hand in. Personally, I prefer to work within the system. I really don’t need the persecution angle. Frankly it’s harder to do these days because the love/justice thing begins to kick in. I’m more into just two tiered societies now. That’s where I do my best work.

Fatoush: So what’s ahead for you in 2005?
Shaytaan: More of the same, really. There are few African countries I haven’t finished destroying; the peace process is going as planned so that frees me up; continued relegation of women to second class status. Personally I thought slavery would have a bit more endurance than it did. So now I’ll have to redouble efforts on women’s subjugation. The easy thing there is to get poor women to take care of the rich ones’ kids. It [expletive] their whole intellectual thing. Hence my expansion in Rome and Mecca. Of course racism is always a top priority, dark people on the bottom, light people on top, etc. Although maybe after awhile I might switch that around. So as you can see, I’ve got a full plate . . .

Fatoush: Anything else you’d like to say to MWU!?
Shaytaan: Yes. This Starbucks coffee is delish.

Fatoush: Thank you.
Shaytaan: Not a problem. I can’t wait till Ramadan’s over.

Abu Fatoush is a lawyer slash struggling screenwriter living in New York City with his ipod and a wireless connection.