On Surviving 4 More Years

By Romin Iqbal

Darwinian philosophy tells us that after a shock (attack, threat etc), we are instinctively thrown into self preservation mode. So as the elections have just passed, I have had to examine closely and (very) selfishly how I might make out during the next 4 year term.

Abortion Ban: I’m male, don’t need one. If a dalliance/spouse/relative needs one, I can afford to get one across a border. (points: 0)

Civil Rights: Prepaid legal services, you’ll need this one. Ensure your payments are on time. Take a legal class or 2. Date a lawyer! (points: -1)

Deficit Spiraling: No plans to have kids. So I don’t care much. Hope you red staters don’t have large families. They might have to be rented out as indentured servants to China, Japan et al in the future (points: 0)

Draft Reinstatement: Die in piece. I’m beyond draft age. Die though, in the knowledge that your death did not buy me safety from terrorist nor did it get me cheaper gas. (points: 0)

Estate Tax: I wish I had this problem! (points: 0)

Economic Decline: What? You mean you’ve spent everything you saved in the boom days of the Clintonian era? Silly rabbit! Guess you have to starve then. (points: 0)

Economic Ruin: Still on this topic? Some of us know how to hedge our bets. I’m buying Halliburton, Shell, Smith & Wesson etc. Whenever a bullet punctures a lung, my investment climbs. (points: +1)

Flat Tax: Yes please. I live in a donor state. Why should I fund some reproducing bunny in backwoods Georgia. (points: +1)

Gay marriage: Straight, don’t need one. If I did discover that I have managed to repress my homosexuality thus far, and I needed to get married immediately to compensate for this, I’d take the following (legal) steps.(1) Iron clad contracts, wills, and agreements covering my interest, (2) Move to Massachusetts if I felt it important enough, or (3) Move to Holland if I wanted even more protection. (points: 0)

Healthcare: I’ll take a hit here. But to stem the bloodletting here, I’ll have to vote against any school levies, bond sales etc for the next 4 years. (points: -1)

Privatized Social Security: Well, I never planned to live long enough to collect on this, so imagine the boon when the government hands me a huge check several years early. Please, please gimme the check. And when the older generation live in squalor, I’m hoping to get back enough to afford that villa in the southern harbor of Monaco! (points: +2)

Stem Cell Research: don’t need it (not yet anyway) and when I do, I’ll be able to afford to get the operation from China. [Thanks to the flat tax, estate tax, privatized social security, investments in Halliburton] (points: 0)

Outsourcing: You just have to become better than every person you work it. Think of it as a race (and it is) where the last one to master all needed concepts starve (literally). (points: 0)

Terrorism: I’ll stay away from NY, DC & CA. (My sincere sympathies to these blue staters that essentially shield dumb red-staters from the wrath of our enemies.) (points: -1 [on sympathy alone!])

Final analysis: Break even! Soooorry Tennessee!

As a final statement, you will see that the choice of president (in the US) leaves relatively unscathed most people that are middle class, educated, reasonably aware of legalities etc. It is sad therefore that the fate of the country is decided by the underclass that continuously seek to deprive themselves of a future in the mistaken belief that they are under siege by either a red menace or liberal elite.

Romin is a 28 year old Blue State values man living in the Buckeye state. He is a Lawyer who does not practice law and is starting his own business. He hopes to make enough money to help the Dems win back the House in 2006 and the White House in 2008. He is a Progressive Deobandi or so he likes to think.