A Day with the World’s Angriest Imams

Three-time winner Abu Hamza al-Masry

By Abu Fatoush

Over the holidays a friend of mine invited me down to Orlando to witness the 13th Annual World’s Angriest Imam Contest (WAIC). I had heard about the event a while back but this was the first time that I would actually make the journey down to Florida to check it out for myself. First, a little background.

The WAIC is a little known contest that began thirteen years ago in Yemen by Sheik Diab Amr to shore up what he felt was a softening of the imams. The first contest fielded 15 contestants from around the world. There were three main categories of competition. The first was the Soiling Test. In this test, each imam had to produce a sermon so fiery that a male of 26 would soil himself upon hearing it. Judges score on the speed of the soiling and the level of trembling. WAIC organizers still talk fondly of the time Abu Hamza al-Masry threatened to gouge out the listener’s eyes with his hook, thereby securing the title for a third year in a row.

The second test is the Philosophy Test, in which a contestant is presented with three unrelated objects (e.g. a cellphone, dental floss and a grape) and must connect all three in a conspiracy theory involving any three of the following: U.S., Israel, Iran, the Kurds, and King Fahd.

The third test is called the Covering Test. Here contestants race against the clock to cover a man pretending to be a woman in an abaya while repeatedly screaming “Cover Yourself.” Contestants are judged on speed, decibel level and the number of “cover yourselfs” they get in the allotted time. The 2004 contest kept these three categories and added two more, the Floor Sit and the Softspoken Interview.

By the time I arrived on Thursday the WAIC was well underway. The Orlando convention center was awash with imams of all shapes and sizes. There was Delroy X from Greenwich, Connecticut, fresh off his first place finish in the Northeast Regionals. Delroy was something of an anomaly in that he had been born Seamus O’Connor to an immigrant family from Belfast. He was the only former Irish Catholic in the running. Asked what he thought of his competition Delroy offered only that they were, for the most part, a bunch of “punk ass bitches.” I nodded and suggested he was probably right.

As I looked around, I noticed the room was sectioned off in various quadrants. Curious, I approached someone who looked like they were in charge. He was none other than Faisal al-Hijaz, winner of the 7th WAIC held in Monaco. Faisal was in retirement from competition and now worked mainly as a consultant for those seeking a little extra edge on the competition. His fees ranged from $3,000 to $10,000 depending on what he saw in you. He had three clients in the competition this year. Regarding the partitioning, Faisal said that the room was divided based on sect. Sunnis, Salafis, Shi’a, Ahmediyyas, Nation of Islam, Yemenis, Egyptians and even a small contingent of Ultra-orthodox Hassidim among others. According to Faisal, the Hassidim, while not in the official competition, were eligible for an audience award which they seemed to be a lock on winning this year.

I asked him who the smart money was on to take it all this year. He said the Egyptians looked good. “Some Brotherhood guys were able to make it over so they have a strong team,” Faisal said. “But you also can’t discount Pakistan. The subcontinent is coming on strong. Their Arabic is a bit rough though. Don’t tell them I said that. It really pisses them off.”

Four o’clock rolled around and it was time for the second round of the Philosophy competition. I stood behind a contingent of imams from Utah and watched as a toothbrush, a television remote and an Elmo doll were laid out on a table on the main stage. First up was Sheik Majnun al-Saud, a short, stocky man who looked middle aged but who was apparently just twenty-four. He studied the table, gathered his thoughts for a moment and then let it rip:

The Israelis are behind Elmo! Elmo, Shlomo. It’s not a coincidence people! And the remote control in your homes is nothing less than the tool for the Israelis to control you and your children. This is the song alright. La La Lilaa. It’s Satan’s song! It’s the Kurdish national anthem they want you to sing! And they want you to use their toothbrushes. Ask yourself why! The height of the Islamic Empire was achieved without Colgate. All these things should be banned! Haram! Haram! Haraaam!”

Majnun took a bow and there was a round of applause. It was then that I noticed a few television reporters from Al-Manar, the Hezbollah TV network, and Al-Arabiyya doing stand up pieces in the far corner. Hovering near them was a rep from ESPN. I approached Chris, a gregarious fellow from West Texas, to get his take on the events.

“I think WAIC is a good for television,” he said digging into a bag of barbeque pork rinds, “This is our first year down here. You know just doing observation, what have you. Next year, we’ll have a full crew. This thing could become as big as the World Series of Poker. Did you see the Soil Contest yesterday?”

“No, I just got here today.”

“Man you missed a good one. I have it on tape if you wanna take a look at it.”

I politely declined and wandered over to the Pakistani section. They had gathered in a circle getting pumped up for the next round. They jumped up and down in unison. This was apparently the tail-end of their tournament ritual which began with a screening of Aishwarya Rai film clips and the burning of the Indian flag. This had the unintended effect of agitating the Indian contingent as well, which upped the energy level in the convention center.

After evening prayers came the Softspoken Interview contest. This was a favorite of the France-based finalists since they always seemed to dominate at least since 1995. Points are awarded to whomever sounded the most vaguely western. I watched as a mock journalist asked each participant a series of straightforward questions on women’s rights. Apparently a Nigerian contestant in an earlier round, unfamiliar with the format, grabbed the microphone and beat the journalist with it screaming “how dare you ask me such stupid question!” Abdullah At-Turki won the round I saw with this response:

Islam in its original state gave women privileges and imposed no harsh restrictions or double standards upon them. We must get back to this true state or else we will have failed not only as Muslims but as human beings.

After a long day of events I had to get back to the airport to catch a late flight back to New York. On the way out I ran into Faisal in the hallway huddled with one of his contestants, a diminutive man from a small Moroccan village. They stared at a laptop Faisal was holding. He looked up.

“Leaving so soon?” Faisal asked.

“Yeah,” I said, “Gotta get back to the city. How’s the prep going?”

“Pretty good. We’re just doing our final read-through of this kafir website I found called of all things ‘Muslim WakeUp!’? I show it to all my clients . . . can you believe what they post on that site?”

“Crazy huh?”

And with that I exited the convention center and stepped into the sticky Florida heat.

Abu Fatoush is a lawyer slash struggling screenwriter living in New York City with his ipod and a wireless connection.