Who's Your Daddy?

Several year's ago, my husband I were invited to another family's house for dinner. The wife was a good friend of mine and she'd just had a baby. The pregnancy had been a real struggle for her and it was doubtful that she would be able to have anymore. I'm sure this bothered her a great deal, but she wasn't the type to complain too much. She's a good natured person, optimistic and gracious; someone who reminds you of how wonderful life is even when things seem to be going all wrong.

We went into her bedroom to change her daughter's diaper. Conversation turned to the subject of my adoption and how I wanted to ask my dad about Vietnam and his time there. This discussion continued out into the dining room where our husbands sat talking. We all sat down at the table to have coffee where her and I continued talking. At some point she said she wouldn't mind adopting to which her husband answered, "In Islam it's not good to adopt."

"Why's that," I asked with my eyebrow already half-cocked.

"Well you don't know who the parents are," he answered rather confidently. "What if they're bastards?"

By this time, I was nearly biting my tongue in two and the smile on my face felt like it was plastered on. I was a guest in their house and I didn't want to cause a scene. I had assumed her husband knew I was adopted. I never made a secret of it. If anything I was quite vocal about it, so either he had forgotten or just hadn't been paying attention. My own husband remained polite and smiling, but he was blinking rapidly as if his eyelids were rebelling against his silence. My friend, on the other hand, looked like she was ready to dot his eye. She looked at me and I shook my head slightly not wanting her to say anything.

Bolstered by our silence and bemused looks, her husband continued, "See, bastards have flawed souls. I've never known a bastard who became a good person. They're doomed to be bad. If you adopt, you just never know what you're getting, because you don't know who their daddies are."

My knowledge of Islam was very limited at the time, but as far as I knew, Islam didn't accept the idea of original sin or that children inherit the sins of the parents. Okay, I can understand the reasoning behind wanting to encourage "legitimate" births into stable families. I put that in quotation because I believe all babies are legitimate since being conceived has nothing to do with choice for the child. I feel however, that it's all gotten way out of hand and has more to do with inheritance and social issues than religious ones for those reasons. Please, who's doomed these children to failure? Was it Allah who teaches us compassion and mercy or a society who condemns them as a blot on its collective piousness? Was it Allah who teaches us generosity and love or a society that wants to protect its inheritance? The world is full of orphans who could be some of our greatest contributors, simply because they know what they've lost and what they've gained. It's an easy copout to dismiss them as impure, tainted, cursed because it allows people to not feel guilty or obligated.

He continued shoving his foot further down his throat. By this time, the whole conversation had become almost laughable and I had just stopped listening. I mentally debated on whether I should remind him of who he's talking to but came to the conclusion it would be better to leave that to his wife. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I would have told him. I mean, how do you tell a guy he's just called you a bastard and proclaimed you tainted and cursed? I stand by my decision of leaving it up to his wife to inform him he'd made an ass out of himself.

I came to the conclusion long ago that this isn't an Islamic issue, and I still hold to that for reasons I've stated before. I was surprised to find out how common this attitude was among Muslims. I, having benefited from adoption feel sad for those children who are deprived of a family and for potentially loving parents who are deprived of children. Even if all out adoption isn't recommended, at the very least we are under obligation to care and nurture them without stigmatizing them for something that isn't their fault. Would it be so crazy for a childless couple to take an orphan under their wing and provide him or her with love and nurturing as well as financial support? Even with maharam issues, it's still possible. Since when did our obligations stop with the writing of a check?

If it is our souls that Allah retrieves after our borrowed time in this life, perhaps we put too much emphasis on genetics. You can no more take those with you than you can your possessions. I have heard it said that when you die, you will be asked who did you worship, who was your prophet and about your deeds in this life. Does anyone really think Allah will ask, "Who's your daddy?"

Sumeia is a Vietnamese born adoptee, convert to Islam since 1988, part-time blogger at http://www.ethnicallyincorrect.blogspot.com/ and full time human rights advocate. Her current occupation is being mom to four rowdy kids and trying to make sense of this mad world we all inhabit.