Looking for a job in Hollywood!

By Siamack Baniameri

Dear Hollywood Agents, Movie Executives, Casting agents and Directors,

As a middle eastern actor who has studied his trade in the most prestigious Royal Shakespeare company in London, and the protégée of some the best acting disciplines in Europe, I would like to inform you of my availability to take on any terrorist or terrorist-related roles currently available to Middle Eastern actors in Hollywood.

I have been trying to break into Hollywood's Inner Circle for years and I believe, due to current world events and the war in Iraq, the stage is set for serious Middle Eastern actors to showcase their abundant talents on the world stage.

Years of playing Hamlet and Francisco in small theater houses all over Europe have prepared me for more dynamic and meaningful parts such as hijacker, suicide bomber, kidnapper, rock-throwing fanatic, hostage-taker, insurgent, fundamentalist mullah, or the ringleader of a terrorist sleeper cell in New York City.

I have an amazing aptitude for playing ghastly terrorist characters. I'm extremely believable and authentic. I'm frequently stopped at airport security checkpoints for full body cavity search. On the airplane, I'm always beleaguered by other passengers for my uncanny resemblance to Osama.

When light hits my face at a certain angle, I look eerily like Yasser Arafat. After a night of hard drinking, I look very much like Saddam Hussein when he was pulled out of the spider hole. And with a touch of makeup, I can easily pass for Gaddafi, the Ayatollah or even Castro.

My terrorist accent is so right-on, I even scare myself sometimes. I'm familiar with Arabic, Persian, and Pashtun dialects and can scream meaningless gibberish at other terrorists at the top of my lungs.

I have managed to train with some of the most accomplished stunt doubles in Hollywood and have mastered the art of falling and hitting the ground with my face while being shot at by FBI agents. And with paramedics on hand, I can do a summersault, falling from the roof of a nuclear facility, and land on my head in a dramatic fashion.

I'm also available to play parts as convenient store clerk, gas station attendant, psychotic Iranian colonel and crazy Middle Eastern cab driver.

Please consider my credentials and contact me at your earliest
convenience.

Regards,

Siamack Baniameri

Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream. His satire is frequently published on Iranian.com, PersianMirror.com and other online magazines.