Top American Muslim/Arab-American Radiation Hot Spots Reported by the FBI

By Riad Abdelkarim

Note: the following are fictitious examples of real occurrences—we suspect! These days, it seems that truth is far stranger than fiction. Since a list of the targets of the recent widely reported warrantless radiation monitoring by federal officials of American Muslim mosques, homes, businesses, and gatherings has not been made public, we are left to speculate as to the possible “hot spots” the government had in mind. It should be noted that none of this taxpayer-sponsored nuclear wild goose chase has turned up any increased radiation levels.

Salaam (Peace) Mosque in Dearborn, Michigan
Reason: Feds became concerned after a community flyer from a local mosque advertised that there would be a portable mammogram machine on site as part of its annual Women’s Health Fair.

The Khan Family home in Seattle, Washington
Reason: Covert federal data scanners reported that the family, which includes 4, 6, and 8 year-old-boys Ahmed, Mansour, and Adam, watches a specific television program with a disturbing amount of regularity. The program: popular cartoon series, Jimmy Neutron.

Office of Dr. Muhammad Hussein, Psychiatrist, Chicago, IL
Reason: a disgruntled patient reported to the FBI that Dr. Hussein was bombarding him with radiation sent via the local television news antenna tower.

Home of NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul Jabbar, who has a prescription for marijuana to use for treatment of severe migraine headaches
Reason: previous thermal monitoring detected growth of marijuana, leading FBI officials to believe the former Laker great was planning an attack with a “dirty bong”

Annual Muslim Youth Group Basketball Tournament, Los Angeles, CA
Reason: Participants, who included 2nd generation Afghani-Americans, Iraqi-Americans, and Pakistani-Americans, were reported to have previously spent two weeks training intensively at a junior summer camp—in the local mountains.

Headquarters of large American Muslim umbrella group, Islamic Society of North America (ISNA), Plainfield, Indiana
Reason: As reported by secret informant, ISNA actually stands for “Islamic Secret Nuclear Activities”

Offices of MPAC (Muslim Public Affairs Council), Los Angeles, CA
Reason: According to local FBI officials, the organization’s acronym actually stands for
“Muslims for the Proliferation of Nuclear Activity”

American Muslim Convention in Washington, DC
Reason: Feds were tipped off that one of the panel discussion topics would be “The Role of the Nuclear Family in the Muslim Community”

Home/ Private Studio of Famous Arab-American Radio Personality Casey Kasem
Reason: feds tipped by a visibly disenchanted Scooby Doo that the booming voice of ex-cartoon sidekick Shaggy was using weekly top 20 radio programs to send coded messages to would be terrorists.

Al Noor (The Light) Muslim Preschool in Las Vegas, NV
Reason: monitors picked up increased activity that turned out to be caused by the new microwave oven Miss Iman bought to heat up the children’s snacks at noon time.

Friday Prayer Service at Mosque in Arlington, TX
Reason: passersby overheard a teenage Muslim commenting that the Friday sermon delivered by the Imam (or prayer leader)—which focused on the similarities among Christian and Muslim reverence for Jesus—was “rad”, which they felt indicated a nuclear device was being assembled at the mosque.

Muslim Football Fans at a New York Giants Game, the Meadowlands
Reason: After performing group prayers at the stadium, one Muslim fan was overheard yelling at the top of his voice, “Throw a bomb”—to the Giants quarterback on a 3rd Down-and-20 play late in the 4th quarter.

Offices of Renowned Consumer Advocate and Former Presidential Candidate, Ralph Nader, an Arab-American
Reason: According to secret intelligence, Nader uses the word “toxic” far too frequently in his speeches and writings.

Osama’s Kitchen, family-owned falafel shop in Patterson, New Jersey
Reason: Come on, with a name like that, he’s got to be cooking up some evil dish!

Riad Abdelkarim is an American Muslim physician currently residing in the United Arab Emirates. He writes frequently on Arabic and Islamic affairs.