Why I'm a Progressive Infidel

By Natalia Antonova

Or why I refuse to be a part of any of the major religions, particularly the monotheistic ones. Inspired by conversations with the Muslims of MWU!, as well as the articles by Mohja Kahf, Abu Fatoush, and Najad Abdul-Aziz.

1. Labels suck. In my case, religious labels suck. "Hi, I'm Natalia, I'm a [fill in religion of choice]" means nothing to me. People say they're this and that all the time. It doesn't help me get to know them any better.

2. I don't think that lack of religion = lack of belief. I was born in the Soviet Union. A lot of people there called themselves non-religious, then went and stood in line for four hours to place flowers on Lenin's tomb. That's belief!

3. Most religious texts initially inspire disgust in me. My knee-jerk response is "if this is what God is like, I want nothing to do with such a God." Yet people have many ways of interpreting, understanding, and applying religious texts, which is why MWU! is such a cool place to hang out. I'm eternally fascinated by how people manage to make sense of and make peace with their religion. However, my fascination does not translate into an automatic desire to join in.

4. I'm a pervert by the standards of most mainstream religious texts and movements." I love the human body. I love representations of sex. I love erotic literature, and I write erotica on the side.

I think monogamy is the norm, but not for all. I think being gay may be a deviation from the norm, but I don't see anything seriously wrong with it; I think people are the way they are for a reason, and it's not up to me to decide what's best for them. I think pre-marital sex, as long as it's safe, consensual, and between mature adults, is a good thing. Ceremonial marriage is an empty symbol to me. I want to have a legal marriage eventually, for legal reasons. I think most religions have a very weird view of sex, (though I think Islam is, in some ways, much healthier than others). From what I’ve gathered, this makes me dirty and depraved in the eyes of major religious movements. Well, nyah. I don’t want to play with you either!

5. Most religions, Islam in particular, say that adulterers have to be punished. However, I don't feel guilty about sleeping around at a different point in my life. I think the experience is often punishing enough, just as it is rewarding. I regard sleeping around as an important stage in my psychological and intellectual becoming. It was a very painful and confusing time for me, but it taught me more about myself and the world than any authority figure shaking its finger or threatening an honour-killing ever did.

6. I feel a lot of people turn to religion after traumatic events in their life inspire them to re-evaluate their lifestyles. My philosophy on trauma and pain is different. God loves us, but, for whatever reason, we live in a broken world. Living in a broken world might mean that the man I love might die young, that my future children might be raped, that my beautiful baby brother might one day contract HIV from a heroin needle. I don't need religion to explain that to me, or to make me feel better about it. I don't need religion to try to prevent it. $hit happens. It's up to us to make the most of it, to live through it, and to not blame God for it. That's the beauty, and horror, of being alive.

7. Religious people inevitably try to show me my "place" based on my gender. Being part of a faith is easier when you’re a girl-child, but the minute I grew breasts, everyone wanted to regulate me, everyone was telling me what I should do with my body and mind based on what "God wants." I ran like hell. It is my belief that major religious texts and their interpretations are very influenced by the authority of men. I don't want to be taking spiritual advice filtered exclusively through males. I can read all sorts of wonderful religious verses about women, but I'm not convinced. If you're a woman, and you are convinced, that's cool. Glad you could do it. I never could.

8. I don't think anybody really understands God and God's will, and I don't think that anybody who's of a specific religion is ultimately "chosen" by God in any special way. I say that meaning no offense to Muslims, Christians, and everybody else who frequents this site. Once again, if you've got it figured out, that's great. But I doubt that I'm ever going to be like you. And I’m tired of the "my God can beat up your God” mantra.

9. I like conversing with people of different faiths and persuasions. There is always something beautiful about a sincere believer. I think that being part of an established religion puts limits on being able to experience this beauty.

10. Just as I believe in God, I also believe in wood-nymphs and changelings and fire-breathing dragons and three-headed dogs that guard secret doorways. I think the traditions of myth and fairy tale do not exist for naught. And if you've never seen a wood-nymph... Well, when was the last time you saw Allah? This belief puts me at odds with major religions and with most people who consider themselves sane, but it originates from a gut feeling that I've never been able to shake off. I think there's something to it.

11. Weirdly enough, I also believe in Jesus, the Son of God. And I'm no real Christian, though I was baptized into the Russian Orthodox Church. I'm rather of the opinion that most Christians misunderstand Jesus, and, once again, I base it on a gut-feeling. I tried to make it go away, but it kept getting stronger. I suppose that’s how sincere belief works. You can’t close the door on it.

12. I think all religions are important, for better or for worse. That doesn't necessarily make me want to be part of them.

13. I consider it a great honour and a great burden to carry a strict system of religious beliefs around on your back. If you can do it and not feel, in some deep recesses of your immortal soul, that you're fooling others, more power to you.

14. Too often, I can't reconcile a loving God with the major religious texts, especially wherever the idea of hell is concerned. I believe we make our own hell, here on earth, and otherwise.

15. Speaking of hell, the road there is paved with good intentions. I look at the world, and I think, "people think they are serving God, but here they went and blew up a building; bombed an entire town out of existence; stoned someone to death; called someone an ugly name; cheated someone." I have read my Dostoevsky, and believe that I am complicit, just like everyone else, but at least I don't do these things while being part of an institution that does things in God's name. No thank you!

16. I think it's very convenient to fling verses from religious texts at one another. I find religious texts to be fascinating and deep, but I don't want to start flinging. And I feel that if you call yourself religious, people inevitably expect you to fling.

17. I believe that poetry and prose, song and dance, sex and laughter, to be important expressions of humanity and to contain visions of paradise. Mainstream religions seem to differ with me on this. I don't begrudge them that. I just don't want their rules on these subjects stuck down my throat.

18. I was relieved of my "innocence" at an early age, and not by choice. Virginity strikes me as being important in mainstream religion, but I view it as anything but. I was "technically" a virgin for a long time, which makes the religious preoccupation with virginity all the more laughable to me. Once upon a time, I had a burning, masochistic desire to be "pure," but I'd rather eat from the tree of knowledge any day than be an ignorant lamb. Ignorance doesn't serve a girl well, especially not in a world fraught with sexual violence of all kinds.

19. I think people like me occupy a peculiar place in mainstream religion. Religious people may act sympathetic when they find out about my past, but I think their real desire is to have me gone. Victims of sexual violence are inconvenient. We might be "innocent" in some shape or form, but we're also "damaged goods." I've only met a few sincerely religious people in my life that weren't uncomfortable around me.

20. I look for truth everywhere. This includes the Quran, astronomy textbooks (did you know they can weigh a galaxy?), classic "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episodes, and so on. I don't want limits. I don’t want somebody coming into my room, lifting my copy of Lolita and yelling “haraam”!

21. I think religion treats science very unfairly. I can say the same thing for science. I think religion and science are not that dissimilar in their purposes, and the conflict between the two is laughable from where I stand.

22. I am fascinated by Islam. I want to lead my life peripheral to it, and other religions, without being threatened with death and without being dehumanized and called names (“Ukrainian whore”? Yeah, you know who you are). For my part, I want to be able to extend this courtesy to Muslims and members of other faiths. Why can’t we be friends? Oh, why can’t we be friends?