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Men. Listen up. There is a movement going on out there. You need to protect yourselves. You need to prepare yourselves for there is no telling when or where it may strike its next blow. Trust me, you don’t want to be caught unawares. I don’t know who is organizing it or who is gives the marching orders but it seems well organized.
What is this movement you ask? I’ve got two words for you:
Hot. Hijabis.
The movement has many regional headquarters. Tehran, Cairo, Dakar, Paris, Lagos, Jakarta, Mumbai. More offices are coming online by the day. A branch just open in Trinidad.
In New York, their soldiers are everywhere. Flagrantly going on reconnaissance missions in broad daylight. From what I can tell the area immediately around Macy’s Department Store is of some importance to them. But trust me no area is safe. The subways are particularly vulnerable. Some days three or four of them will stake a out a car. They try to be inconspicuous pretending to read the latest New Yorker or Cosmo but they are plotting I tell you. Plotting!
They are dangerous.
If you see one. Whatever you do do not look at them directly. Their power is much too strong. Your kung fu is no match. They are well trained. Hidden in those hip hugging jeans are things the Pentagon won’t have for another 20 years. You don’t want to risk your safety or the safety of those around you.
The best thing to do is to alert someone in authority, a police officer, a mailman, anyone in uniform and tell them “I just saw one of those Hot Hijabis walking around please handle it.” Often these authority figures will pretend to not know what you’re talking about but that’s just part of their training. They don’t want to scare the general population.
The influence of the Hot Hijabis cannot be overestimated. Their power in America reaches to the very top of the nation’s major media elite. A cabal of Hot Hijabis makes sure that any published photograph of a Muslim woman no matter how tragic the news story accompanying the photo must showcase a Hot Hijabi member. This vice-like control over the media is sadly in evidence in Darfur where not even genocide can keep them from bending the world to their will.
By now you must be asking yourself, surely there must be some way to stop them. I’m here to tell you that better men than yourselves have tried and the annals of history are littered with their failures. Trying to stop them can drive whole societies to madness. Some have tried to cover them up entirely. Others, to lock them up. It is a drastic step and unfortunately our laws currently do not allow this sort of remedy at this time.
The best we can do is pray and hope that whatever their nefarious plans their execution will be quick and painless. If only we knew what their demands were we could open up some sort of dialogue. But the Hot Hijabis are notoriously tight-lipped. They don’t talk to strangers and no one has been able to infiltrate their inner-circle.
As an act of desperation some have suggested that we just remove the Hot Hijabi’s hijab. This is a major, major no no. Once the Hot Hijabi removes the hijab her powers seem to multiply five fold. Trust me I have seen it happen. They become fearless. Scientists have likened the phenomenon to the splitting of the atom but I personally think they underestimate things. All I know is this:
