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MWU! Articles Related to Humor/Satire
November 8, 2006
Horde Storms Compound of the Mufti of Mecca Demanding an End to Mandatory Niqab
“Men! They’re insane! If I had my way, they’d be required to stay out of our business and let us decide for ourselves what we want to wear, or what to study or where to work. It’s not like women are children, needing to have every decision made for them!”
October 27, 2006
The Caliphate & You
In anticipation of the reestablishment of the Caliphate what better way to prepare for that coming paradise than with a quick quiz to help one get acclimated to the new rules? This test was given to me by local Hizb ut-Tahrir rep and he requested that I forward it on to my friends at MWU.
September 6, 2006
Just doing my part to improve relations between Muslims and Jews
Drop me and my breasts off to the Middle East and I will solve this crisis for you in no time.
August 30, 2006
Rapture Now!
Rev. Jerry Falwell predicted present-day conflict in the Middle East will ''serve as a prelude or forerunner to the future Battle of Armageddon and the glorious return of Jesus Christ.'' Miami Herald By Jawad Ali In politics there are...
July 27, 2006
The Onslaught
We cannot defeat the Hot Hijabi.
In New York, their soldiers are everywhere. Flagrantly going on reconnaissance missions in broad daylight. From what I can tell the area immediately around Macy’s Department Store is of some importance to them. But trust me no area is safe. The subways are particularly vulnerable. Some days three or four of them will stake a out a car. They try to be inconspicuous pretending to read the latest New Yorker or Cosmo but they are plotting I tell you. Plotting!
They are dangerous.
January 21, 2006
Why I’m A Progressive Muslim
By Abu Fatoush 1. Because I wasn’t baptized (bless my atheist sociologist father for that one), so I guess I never got pushed out of my original Muslim-ness. Go figure. 2. Hussein Ibish.* 3. The genius of Tarek Fatah....
January 17, 2006
Why I am not a progressive Muslim
By Mohja Kahf 16. Labels suck. They don’t do us complex humans justice. (And you’ll note that I use them anyway, just like you do, so shuttup.) 15. Hussein Ibish. 14. Mean-butt personal attacks on Hina Azam, Muqtedar Khan, and...
December 30, 2005
Top American Muslim/Arab-American Radiation Hot Spots Reported by the FBI
By Riad Abdelkarim Note: the following are fictitious examples of real occurrences—we suspect! These days, it seems that truth is far stranger than fiction. Since a list of the targets of the recent widely reported warrantless radiation monitoring by federal...
June 4, 2005
Fatwa of the Week: Phone Sex & Handless Pleasure
"Never did we hear such a thing from our ancestors of old!" -- Unbelievers to Noah (Qur'an 23:24) Some of our readers, disturbed at the wide variety of articles on Islam and Muslims that we publish written by regular Muslims...
June 1, 2005
Looking for a job in Hollywood!
Classic Hollywood poster By Siamack Baniameri Dear Hollywood Agents, Movie Executives, Casting agents and Directors, As a middle eastern actor who has studied his trade in the most prestigious Royal Shakespeare company in London, and the protégée of some...
March 26, 2005
A Woman Leads Prayers? What's Left of Muslim Men's Dignity?
I can't explain it. Only we Middle Eastern men are capable of looking at women who are covered under lumps of unforgiving black sheets and feel aroused.
March 15, 2005
The Secret of Why Only Men Can Lead Prayer: An Interview with Saudi Scientist Dr. Muhammad bin Saad an-Nutfah
Since most women are born without a right testicle, they are barred from achieving the level of Quranic knowledge required to lead prayer.
February 18, 2005
Community Declares Daytime Curfew to Protest ‘L Word’ Posters
The normally bustling Steinway street, home to one of New York City’s highest concentration of Muslim residents, now looks like a ghost town during the day.
January 31, 2005
A Day with the World’s Angriest Imams
Over the holidays a friend of mine invited me down to Orlando to witness the 13th Annual World’s Angriest Imam Contest (WAIC).
December 6, 2004
Miss Overtly Charming Barza Muslim Sister
Was this an "arranged marriage?" Yes. This was an extra special arranged marriage. The bride and her network of American Muslim peers arranged it very carefully so that the groom and his family matched the exact socio-economic, religio-cultural arrangement of her first generation immigrant parents.
November 10, 2004
On Surviving 4 More Years
Draft Reinstatement: Die in piece. I’m beyond draft age. Die though, in the knowledge that your death did not buy me safety from terrorist nor did it get me cheaper gas. (points: 0)
November 5, 2004
An Exclusive Interview with Shaytaan
I tend to split my time between here, Jerusalem, Rome and Mecca. I also just bought a new place in Rio de Janeiro but that’s mostly a vacation home.
October 25, 2004
A MULE-PAC Endorses Kerry; 'We don't like him, but we still want cushy appointments,' Group Says
Look, we know we screwed up in 2000 when we endorsed George W. Bush... But, despite any misgivings you might have about our strategies or perceived incompetence, we want you to listen to us anyway in 2004 and vote for Sen. John Kerry for President.
October 14, 2004
Bringing 'Civilization' to the Kingdom of Wasabia: A New Satire Takes On the World's 'No-Fun Zone'
Buckley is a moralist, and would no doubt openly avow the indictment he makes of fundamentalist Islam as well as the decadence of archaic Arab monarchies.
October 4, 2004
September 9, 2004
The Voice of God is Hamza Yusuf: The 2004 ISNA Convention
This year the ISNA people gave me complimentary registration and an invitation letter from Secretary General Sayyid M. Syeed. And my books now had smooth covers, perfect binding, bar codes and an ISBN number. So yeah, punk is dead.
August 6, 2004
A Paranoid Muslim's Terror Alert System
I ran into Sanjay here. Sanjay wants to know if I feel in danger because, well, peace is a radical idea. I feel fairly safe. I do not really think about it a lot.
August 4, 2004
Changing My Curriculum
One of the first things that most children learn in school is that most formal education is a fraud. What children are learning (and not learning) everywhere is a big scandal. Yet the curriculum wars are not about improving schools all over the world. They are about forcing one party’s myths as the official dogma
July 21, 2004
Salafabi Soup: A Recipe
Hammer the Shariah until it becomes rigid, making sure all bubbles of humanism are completely removed. Then fold the Creator of the Universe into the Shariah, making sure your own views and Divine decree are thoroughly blended in any subsequent legal judgements.
June 1, 2004
Abu Ghraib and the Reverend General of Limbaugh Land: America's Passion Play to Change Muslim Hearts and Minds
Why waste money on glossy magazines in the Arab world that nobody bothers reading anyway, when interrogation methods can be exported to soften up idolatrous pagans in the service of Christ and profit. The Muslim infidel must be made to suffer like Jesus in order to accept Jesus.
May 11, 2004
Regarding Bush, Boston and the Ramadan Song: A conversation with Tissa Hami, the country’s first female Muslim standup
By Sadik H. Kassim MWU is featuring Muslim stand-up comics this month. This is our second feature in the series. Meet Tissa Hami. Born in Iran and raised in Boston, the ivy-league educated Harvard Kennedy School of Government admissions...
May 1, 2004
Ahmed Ahmed: From Helwan to Hollywood
“Look,” he says, “Jews and Muslims have more in common than any religion ever, if you think about it. Both Jews and Muslims don’t eat pork. We don’t celebrate Christmas. We both use ‘ccchhh’ in our pronunciation. And we’re both hairy creatures of God.”
April 10, 2004
No Sex Please. We're Muslims.
The guidelines for modesty were published by the All Islamic Modesty Conference of 1979, and they can not be discussed any further.
March 20, 2004
Jews Are Not the Enemy, House of Saud
Dear Saudi Royal Family, and the Guardians of the Two Holy Places (Chevron and Raytheon). The BBC is claiming that you are not giving tourist visas to Jews. Shame on you. We need to talk.
March 12, 2004
Seventy Two Virgins and a Giant Bag of Lard
So what does the ill fated exploding pig have in common with the 72 nubile virgins, you ask? They are clumsy attempts to slap on a religious dimension to a very political conflict
January 6, 2004
Peace Offering
By Michael Muhammad Knight With CAIR’s Ibrahim Hooper investigating his “legal recourses” in regard to my articles, I would like to propose an alternative means of settling our differences. Last night I went out to my backyard where I...
December 18, 2003
The Magic Hijab
I have been ignorant of the truly miraculous ability of the 47-inch, square piece of fabric that is such an essential part of my wardrobe. Indeed, these 47 inches are imbued with mystical, magical properties. Over the years, the secrets of hijab’s magic have been revealed to me by well meaning people from all walks of life.
November 25, 2003
Khutbas for Dummies
Dear Brother Pimply, First of all, don’t feel intimidated by those “religious” sisters. You have something extremely important that they don’t. On top of that, you never get a period. They just have to make up for being girls. Be a man: look down on them.
November 15, 2003
Looking for Saddam
By Ahmad Abou-Saleh Saddam Hussein's potential whereabouts: 1. The Mediterranean hairy mustachioed man serving you your road kill kebabs. 2. He is currently in Syria sipping strong coffee, enjoying the company of Osama Bin Laden and Bigfoot while using...
November 6, 2003
Is That a Fridge Underneath Your Turban? Fighting America While Hooked to a Dialysis Machine
The most powerful army in history is plagued by pesky guerilla attacks in Iraq and Afghanistan. The opposition in each case is led by a man hooked to a dialysis machine.
October 23, 2003
Manpads and Wooden Carrots
I am all for banning weapons. Like the time we banned weapons from the Bosnia conflict till all the Muslims were cleansed from the desired areas. Then we brought in the big bombs to punish the bad guys. It was a very complicated war, and ordinary people should not try to understand it, any more than they should try firing missiles at aircraft.
October 22, 2003
Guns, Drugs and Arabs
The Taliban and Al-Qaida seem to be flourishing everywhere. They are picking out the new carpet for their branch offices in Kirkuk and Faluja. Your job is to explain how this could possibly happen. There are two very important observations you must report back to Kofi. These people probably have some money, and that money must have come from somewhere. There. Can we all go home now and file our expense reports?
October 6, 2003
Hail Arab Nationalism! Thoughts on the Israeli Bombing of Syria and the Arab Reaction
Who knows what those aircraft were carrying! I mean, what would you do if you were in that position? What would America do? What would Israel do?
Speed dial the Arab League, there’s a plan and a half. Wake up the despots, dictators and deranged dreamers, all of them, for a lazy afternoon emergency session.
October 1, 2003
Mulla Nasruddin Comes to America
Before returning to his home town in Bokhara, the Mulla asked if I could make his talks available to a wider American public. I did not have the heart to tell the Mulla that his talks, which were stories about his antics, had not gone well (he had not noticed), and it wasn’t very likely that they would be better appreciated by a wider American public.
September 27, 2003
Sex and the Saudi
Girls are married at alarmingly young ages in Saudi Arabia simply because their fathers are sick of driving them around: they just dump them on some other poor fool, who will then commence a lifetime of chauffeuring responsibilities. Not to mention that many Saudi men have multiple wives, and thus even more daughters—the headache increases exponentially. By the time the Saudi man finally gets home again, it is tomorrow, he’s halfstarved to death, dinner still isn’t done, and he’ll certainly be late to work, and people think the oil money makes them lazy!
September 24, 2003
Your Salvation May Be as Close as Your Laundromat: An Encounter with the United Nation of Islam
Royall Jenkins used to work as an auto mechanic and truck driver. In 1978, two angels came to Royall and brought him aboard their spaceship. They sailed the 36-year old across the starry field of night, showing him things that no man had ever seen, with the purpose of awakening him to his true identity. Royall Jenkins was Allah.
September 22, 2003
Mustard Gas Wall of Shame: Colin Powell Joins MWU! in Opening of Halabja Attraction
Thank you Secretary Powell for visiting the little museum of horrors at Halabja. MuslimWakeUp! is celebrating this occasion by inaugurating the giant “Halabja Mustard Gas Wall of Shame” as the next tourist attraction in this tragic little town. Let’s see what is on the plaque.
September 3, 2003
Wrestling with Muzammil: The 2003 ISNA Convention
Maybe the “old guard” still runs ISNA, and maybe the House of Saud still runs that old guard. But I saw a lot of young people there, and they are claiming their spots. The med-student who smoked weed, the NOFX kid, Farah the filmmaker, Rima the poet, even me, for whatever I am. Things are changing. A distinctly American Islam has already begun to take shape.
August 1, 2003
Just Wear It: Because a Baseball Hat Covers As Much As a Kufi
Some enlightened brothers have discovered that a baseball cap covers their head just as well as a kufi, and a baggy Adidas shirt with matching track-pants is as modest as a shalwar kameez (not to mention a whole lot better for your game). They realize, perhaps, that were the Prophet to have dressed in the clothing of the French royal court rather than in traditional, Arabian attire, he would have been unlikely to persuade anyone in Arabia to embrace Islam. Similarly, if you go on the metro standing 7ft. tall with a belly-button-length beard, white shalwar kameez, and a matching brown kufi and vest set, don’t be disappointed if men and women in Western-style suits and teenagers in “Mecca Brand” t-shirts and velour Jay-Z sweat-suits don’t ask you to discuss the din (faith). It isn’t personal.
July 16, 2003
Why Turks Rock
 In Egypt, the followers of Hasan al-Banna ask: "What professional organization will we stack out and take over next before the upcoming elections when Uncle Husni throws us in jail to secure his 99.9996% majority?" In Pakistan, the followers of Sayyid Maududi ask: "What clause of the constitution will we islamize next while we still have a military dictatorship to suck up to?". In Indonesia, the followers of Abdullah Sungkar ask: "Which nightclub shall we bomb next?"
In Turkey, the followers of Esad Cosan and Said Nursi and Fethullah Gulen and every other Islamic activist-scholar ask: "When am I going to make my next million??"
July 7, 2003
Hug Joan Sekler
During the whole controversy, the media was concentrating on the hanging chads and butterfly ballots. But that was never part of the Republican plan in Florida. The real story is how they systematically suppressed the African American vote.
June 27, 2003
Scalia Joins Saudi Supreme Court in Wake of Sodomy Dissent
In a development that has rocked the legal world, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah announced today the appointment of US Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to the Saudi Permanent Council for Scientific Research and Legal Opinions (CRLO), Saudi Arabia's equivalent of the US Supreme Court.
April 8, 2003
There's Something About Daniel
In the movie, Mary said some outrageous things, but even she would not have gotten away with a story about President Bush nominating Daniel Pipes for the US Institute for Peace.
March 26, 2003
Sending Wimps to Baghdad? Or Why Opposing the War Is Supporting the Troops
The United States has managed to convince the whole world that Iraq has to be bombed. Um, well, they have convinced four other countries. Absent from the Coalition of the Killing are the US’s two neighbors (Canada and Mexico), all but two of its NATO allies and every other country on earth.
March 25, 2003
Iraq War Dictionary
By Zahkan al-Akhbar "Shock and Awe": Title of Iraqi resistance strategy, intended to "shock" invading American and British troops and "awe" them with their unexpected ferocity...
March 10, 2003
Hug Joel Beinin
 MWU!: What are some of the things that you wish people knew about Zionism? JB: One. The early Zionists did consider themselves to be promoting a settler colonialism project. They were very clear about it, at a time when it was popular for Europeans to talk of such racism. Two. Before Hitler, Zionism was a very marginal and minority movement. Most Jews had very serious religious or political problems with it. Three. Until 1948, Bi-nationalism (a joint Arab-Jewish state) was considered legitimate, and was supported by a large number of Zionists. Four. Most importantly that Israel was built upon the ruins of Palestinian society. Those are the first four that come to mind.
March 3, 2003
Hug Jeff Grubler
 JG: I wish I was more newsworthy--in that I mean I wish the situation of the Iraqi people was more newsworthy. Since 1991 there's been a blackout in the media. Everyone knows the name of Saddam, but nobody knows the fate of the Iraqi people. So what I try to do is to figure out ways to bring the reality of the Iraqi people to Americans. Iraq is so far away, and we all have our own problems and worries, so Iraqis remain invisible. I have created phony products, organized guerilla theater, and used standup comedy--anything I can to make the Iraqi people less invisible. I try to reach people, and every once in a while, the media gives me attention which I pass on to the cause.
March 2, 2003
Saudi King Admits to Deal with Devil, Qaddafi Claims; Crown Prince Abdullah Tells Him to Mind Own Business
By Ahmed Nassef Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi is to Arab League summits what Old Faithful is to Yellowstone National Park. More than just being counted on to spew hot air (most of his colleagues in the League are quite...
February 18, 2003
Muslim Extraterrestrials and Umm Kulthum Brigade Blamed for Shuttle Tragedy; Muslims Issue Denials and Condemnations
By Zahkan Al-Akhbar After the recent tragic Space Shuttle Columbia disaster over Texas--which claimed the lives of seven astronauts--American Muslims have once again been placed on the defensive as rumors of possible terrorist involvement in the Columbia's demise abound....
Not Your Father's Peace Rally: 17 Million Smart-assy Marchers Hip Hopping to Funky Beats Can't Be Wrong
We had the world to heal, and a war to stop. My two words of kindness were going to speak of unity and love in the language of some other long forgotten Islamic empire. The loonies had better bring their dancing shoes.
February 14, 2003
Scientists Discover Missing Link Between Mr. Saddam and Mr. Usama
By Jawad AliPhotos by Liv Leader There are no mysteries here--although Colin Powell did make a fool of himself at the UN with his laughable attempt to reveal the missing link.We found what the Secretary of State failed to...
February 10, 2003
Sydney-Slickers Meet Forrest Gump at South Park
By Irfan Yusuf Picture this. I am sitting at my best mate Don’s place in the inner suburbs of Sydney. We have just had dinner, prepared by Carol, his lovely Chinese-Australian wife. And we move to his lounge-room to watch...
February 3, 2003
The Islaam of Double Vowels
By Irfan Yusuf Do we all remember that really cool Palestinian American academic, the late Dr. Ismail Faruqi? And what about his cool wife, Lamya? One wrote on Islamic thought, the other on Islamic art.A whole generation of young Muslims...
January 26, 2003
Hug Liat Weingart
 MWU!: And who are these progressive Jews?
LW: I must tell you that being the child of an Ashkanazi Jewish mother--aka a Yiddish Mama-- makes us behave in certain ways. I have organized workshops on how to use guilt to get what I want. Every other month my colleagues and I gather to evaluate the status of the romantic relationships in our organization, and then we coordinate demonstrations when we don’t approve. I'm only kidding of course.
January 14, 2003
How I Learned to Love Reagan
I hate to admit it, but President George W. Bush has made me love Ronald Reagan. Before the Supreme Court appointed Bush, Jr. as president in a 5-4 vote (but who's counting), I had never appreciated the Republican administrations of the recent past. Now I catch myself waxing nostalgic, longing for those bygone days.
January 3, 2003
Prince Talal's Gift to CAIR
Maybe we're wrong. Maybe Muslims would have been better served had he spent the cash on a pair of gold doors for his new chopper, like the Sultan of Brunei, or a boob job for his wife. And although hookers and casinos are good projects, we always wanted them to support some cause close to *OUR* heart, rather than some obscure madresa in Nigeria. The money could not have gone to a more worthy cause than CAIR, and it could not have come from a better source than Talal.
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